Magical Class

Hey students! Yes, I know we already had Magical Class, but this one is different from that other class. Instead of learning about Magical creatures, we're going to learn how to conjure up various spells ourselves and brew all kinds of cool potions. Since I know some of you already know how to do this, you can demonstrate. Hermione, why don't you show everyone one of the easier spells?

Great job! See everyone? Copy Hermione. 'Swish and flick'! Wingardium Leviosa! 

Wow! Didn't know I had that in me. Heh! Well, you know now. Begin practicing, and I'll just order a little somethin'-somethin' to eat while I'm waiting. Yeah, maybe a nice Pumpkin Pie latte with extra foam and extra cream with a pumpkin doughnut with filling and---
 CHEESE THREW UP ON A DUMP, EOMER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! YOU SCARED ME, I SAY! Wait, what's that? Are you eating something? NOBODY EATS FOOD HERE WITHOUT MY SAY-SO!!!!! YOU SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW, YOU SON OF A DUMP! HOW YOU DISGRACE ME YOU YELLOW-BELLIED--- Nope, sorry. Got too emotional there. Now spit that out or I'll have to make you. Sorry about that, guys. Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, this is my annoying cousin, Eomer. He thinks he can rule over me just because he's royalty. Well not in this world he's not! Maybe back in Middle-Earth, but not here.

Hey Ruby, what's the matter? You can't get your feather to float? Oh, don't worry. That's alright, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. Just don't get to stressed-out about it.

Eomer, what the hell are you staring at? I told you to get the crap-poop out of here so I wouldn't kick your sorry bum! Why don't you ever listen to me?
 Look at that! You're scaring the crap out of Ruby, staring at her like that. Now get out of here, I repeat. Get the hell out!

You want to stay for class? Well --- I guess --- can't --- argue. . .UGH! Fine. But I'm severely warning you, if you set one damn poopy finger on Ruby, I'll have your guts for garters. I am NOT kidding, so you better honor my wishes this time.

No, Raquelle. Nothing is going on here, you don't have to worry. Just get back to the class, and I can FINALLY order a little something for myself without any FURTHER interruptions.

Yes I meant you, you half-wit. Now do me a favor and go grab a seat so I don't have to see your disgusting face eyeing my lunch or Ruby. WAITER!!!!!!!!!!

Finally one of my good-looking waiters came, Mika. My good man, will you please be a nice waiter and take my order? Oh, and go get a new notepad because my order won't fit onto just one notepad.

And anyways, my cousin Eomer is so annoying because he's always --- Mika, did you not hear me? Hello! I told you to go get another notepad, for freaking sake. What are you even --- No, NO! DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOUNG MAN! NO, ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Barbie already has Ken for herself, and she most CERTAINLY doesn't want to degrade herself by getting with a friggin' waiter! Mark my words, she and Ruby are off-limits for you and Eomer. WHY DOES EVERYONE HERE THINK THEY CAN JUST STEAL MY GIRL STUDENTS AND THEN JUST GO LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL AND THINK I WON'T NOTICE THEEEEEEM????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WHAT IN GOD'S DUMP THAT FELL ON SATIN'S HEAD WHO TRIPPED OVER A BODY AND BROKE HIS LEG DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?! Oh my god, I have to stop screaming so much. My blood temperature rises and drops harshly because of all the sudden yells and quiet whispering.

Sheesh, finally. You looked frightening with that hairdo. I mean, you could've scared off an entire army of fit men with that hairdo of Satin. Now, Mika, get out of here. I'm getting another waiter who actually RESPECTS my wishes and doesn't flirt with anyone because he/she doesn't have a life. I love waiters like that who just give you your order and leave you be.
 Get over here, you lard-ass. Look at you, running in the wrong direction. Don't you dare try to get close to Legolas or any of the hotties, they're all mine. Alright? MINE!
 I didn't mean that, Legolas. I-I just d-didn't. ¿Por qué digo estas cosas? Joderme, soy tan estúpido. ¿Por qué diablos hago esto? ¡Mierda!

Don't ask, I won't answer. Alright, waiter, now let me finish what I was saying. I would like a platter of butter rolls, with a side of cannolis, a hot fudge sundae, peach gelee candy, Turkish delight, some lemon-filled cream puffs drizzled with chocolate, beignets dusted with extra powdered sugar with cream inside, a pumpkin pie latte with extra cream and extra foam sprinkled with some pumpkin powder and edible glitter, and to top it all off, a nice big extra-sized coconut hot chocolate with almond-fluff whipped cream sprinkled with almond shavings. Oh, add in some little mini marshmallows at the top. And some vodka! I'm feeling a little dangerous today. Alright, now while I'm waiting, who wants to show me the progress they have with their feathers?
 Mary Margaret, you are late. Guys, this is Mary Margaret Blanchard. She was supposed to come in the class where Regina introduced her other friends, but she wasn't able to make it. She had a reason to come late, unlike some others. . .
 Oh really? Well you wanna know something? My 'dream dwarf', more like 'elf', doesn't come to classes late without any good excuse and just throws wrong answers at me for questions. How do you like that, huh? You don't? Well then don't start all this 'dream dwarf' shit. You know it's against the rules to flirt with the teachers.
 Is that so? Well you want me to let you in on a secret? I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW, YOU PEA-BRAINED IDIOT! 
  Don't you start with that! I only let Legolas flirt with me sometimes --- SATIN'S DUNG FLEW INTO A CYCLONE AND BECAME FIRE! NO, I NEVER FLIRT WITH HIM AT ALL! NEVER, EVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Forget I ever said that I did, please. Now, if you'll excuse me, my order's here.
 Good job with levitating that, Mary Margaret. Bravo! That's just perfect! And you did everything right. The 'swish and flick' was very nice and clean, and the Wingardium Leviosa part was very clearly and loudly pronounced. You are a good student, I must say. Now come waiter, give me my order. And I swear if I see one bite that has been taken from my food, I will sue you and throw you into the dungeon.

Pah-lease, Ken. This is only a small something to snack on, not some gigantic order of food that is too much for one person to eat but I still eat it. Now get back to what you were doing. Okay class, attention! Has everyone completed the task of making their feathers float into the air with the floating spell?

Okay then, let's continue. I don't know who the hell you guys are, even though I see Ron right there. Now we'll move on to a different kind of spell. It is called the 'Stupefy' spell and it goes a little something like this.

Yes Hermione, that's how you do it. Even though I was supposed to show them myself, you did perfectly. Can anyone else master that spell?

YOU GUYS! GET OFF MY THESTRALS RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE RIDDEN ON! WHY IN THE HELL DOES EVERYONE FEEL THE NEED TO DISOBEY ME LIKE THIS?! GET OFF RIGHT NOW! You know what? I've had it. They won't listen, I'll have to take extreme measures. EXPELLIARMUS!

WELL?! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DISOBEY ME! YOU GET PUNISHED! NOW GET BACK IN YOUR SEATS OR GOD HELP YOU I WILL PUNISH YOU SOOO BAD LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!

I told you, Luna. No one gets away from me without paying the price for it. Now get back in your seat, you've already made me mad past the limit. If anyone dares say one more thing to pop the last nerve inside my goddamn body, then they'll be sorry they were ever born. Now let's brew a damn potion. We are going to be brewing a Sleeping Draught. This is a powerful sleeping potion that can put you to sleep, but the only problem is, sometimes disasters can happen and you never wake up again. A Sleeping Draught causes the drinker to fall almost instantly into a deep, dreamless sleep. Ever heard of that saying? Probably not. In fact, this is probably your first time brewing a potion. Except maybe for people like Harry, Hermione, and Ron. They already know how. Since I don't want any of my students to go to sleep and never wake up, we'll be testing the finished potion on one of my waiters. They don't matter or play a part in this school, except for bringing me my lunch, so why not use it on them? Actually, this isn't going to be the first time I used a Sleeping Draught as a test on my waiters. Countless numbers of them have gone to sleep and never seen the light of day again. Sad, right? Well not to me! So let's begin. First, you'll need a medium-sized pewter cauldron. Pewter cauldrons are best for beginners. These are also the best for brewing Sleeping Draughts. Never use brass or copper in full-size or small-size, OKAY?! It's extremely dangerous. You need an amount that's just right. No more, no less. GOT IT?! Okay, got it.


 There we go, that's a good one. You will also need a mortar.

That's good. Now we'll need our ingredients. For this potion we'll need: Flobberworm Mucus, Lavender, Valerian Springs, and Standard Ingredient. Don't ask what it is, I won't fucking tell you. Now let's begin with the steps.

Step 1: Add 4 sprigs of Lavender to your mortar.
Add 2 measures of Standard Ingredient to your mortar. Crush into a creamy paste using your pestle. Add 2 blobs of Flobberworm Mucus to your cauldron. Add 2 measures of Standard Ingredient to your cauldron. Gently heat for 30 seconds. Add 3 measures of your crushed mixture to your cauldron. Wave your wand. Leave to brew and return in 20-30 minutes.
Step 2: Add 2 measures of Standard Ingredient to your cauldron.
Heat on a high temperature for 1 minute. Add 4 Valerian springs to your cauldron. Stir 7 times, clockwise. Yes, it is important which way you stir. Lastly, wave your wand to complete the potion. Here are your potion books with the recipes on them. We'll be brewing some more after this one. And remember, different cauldrons cook with different times. Everyone can begin now ---

WHOA! Hold it there, Ruby. I see you've already started. Make sure to not have the temperature too high, otherwise your cauldron could explode and that could be drastic.
 You did WHAT?! Ruby, I can't believe you put in root of Asphodel in there! Were you even reading the right recipe in the book? Or better yet, were you even PAYING FREAKING ATTENTION?! Get out of the way right now. Have to add something in there to make it better. Seamus, NO! DON'T DO THAT!!!!

See, this is exactly the disrespect I'm always talking about. People don't give a shit about my rules. They're always disobeying me, no matter how drastic the consequences could be.
 
Oh thank goodness, Eomer. You're actually brewing the right thing, and it's actually going well. Good job! At least YOU were paying attention to the book. Ooh, and I think it's ready. Let's pour it into a bottle.
 
 Here it is. A powerful Sleeping Draught brewed by a beginner who is also a beginner at the school. I am amazed by your skills, Eomer. Good job! Now for the testing part. BRING IN ONE OF MY WAITERS!!!!!!! 
 OH NO YOU DON'T, YOU IMBECILE!!! GET THE HELL BACK HEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There we go. That's all done. Though I'm kinda sad, I wanted lunch and he could've given it to me. But eh, I have a million other waiters. I guess your Sleeping Draught exploded and used all it's power on this dumbo, right Eomer?

How dare you yell like that at your teacher? That waiter doesn't matter, okay? And if you want him back so bad, then I dare you to brew a curing potion for the Sleeping Draught. Find one in the book and bring him back to life, if that's what you want. I'm not wasting my time. Now, let's brew the Forgetfulness potion. You have to brew this one with extraordinary caution, because trust me, you do NOT want to lose your memories. That's the worst possible thing in this world. After no food, of course. For this potion, you will be using a small-sized Copper cauldron. Unlike the Sleeping Draught, you can use any cauldron you wish for this potion. The only thing you have to do is always use the small-sized one. We can only make very little of this potion, I don't want anyone losing their memories. While Eomer will be wasting his time brewing that curing potion for my stupid waiter who's in deep sleep, the rest of the class will be brewing the Forgetfulness potion. Alright, let's start! First off, you'll be needing, like I said, a copper cauldron.

We will be using the same mortar as before. Just clean it out, thoroughly. Even though the potion is DEFINITELY not simple, the ingredients are. In fact, this recipe only requires three. We'll be needing Lethe River Water, Mistletoe Berries, and Valerian Springs.

Step 1: Add 2 drops of Lethe River Water to your cauldron by pouring smoothly.
Gently heat for 20 seconds. Add 2 Valerian Springs to your cauldron. Stir 3 times, clockwise. Wave your wand.
Step 2: Add 2 measures of Standard Ingredient to your mortar. Add 4 Mistletoe Berries to your mortar. Crush into a medium-fine powder using your pestle. Add 2 measures of your crush mixture to your cauldron. Stir 5 times, anti-clockwise. Wave your wand to complete the potion.

Alright, you guys are probably halfway through now. Who wants to show me their progress?

Well done, Ryan. You showed exquisite abilities to perform this potion. It's rare than many people can complete this potion on their first try. Nicely done! Let's have a look at the finishing results.   Okay, that's nice. A nice orange-reddish color as shown in the book. Just the right amount, and everything done perfectly. I'd say your's might even be better than Eomer's, Ryan.
  Well, I see you like to win, huh? Nice victory dance you got there, but seriously, stop. ALRIGHT, CLASS! The last potion we'll be brewing today is the Cure for Boils potion. Basically, as the name suggests, it cures boils. Got an ugly inflamed cyst you wanna get rid of? This potion is just right for that! I'm going to give my assistant, Filch, this box of chocolates.
    Oh yes, I know you are. But trust me, in the end, you definitely won't be! HAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!! Alright class, this is super important, so watch what's gonna happen when he eats the chocolate.
         
Gross, isn't it? Well that's EXACTLY why we're going to brew our Cure for Boils potion. Let's start with as usual, the ingredients. Like the Forgetfulness potion, this one only requires three ingredients: Horned Slugs, Porcupine Quills, and Snake Fangs. We will be using a brass cauldron, full-sized. We'll need lots of this stuff. We'll bottle some for the class, and give the rest to the nurse. She can keep it as one of her medicines in the hospital. Same as usual, a mortar. Here's our cauldron.

Pretty big, huh? Doesn't matter what you see, this clunky thing isn't valuable. It might look like gold, but trust me, it's literally JUST a cauldron. Alright, enough. Let's get on with the brewing!

Step 1: Add 6 Snake Fangs to your mortar.
Crush them into a fine powder using your mortar. Add 4 measures of the crushed fangs to your cauldron. Heat the mixture to 250 for 10 seconds. Wave your wand. Leave to brew.

Step 2: Add 4 Horned Slugs to your cauldron.
Add 2 Porcupine Quills to your cauldron. Stir 5 times, clockwise. Wave your wand to complete the potion.

Alright, someone catching up with me? Someone done?

Good, Hermione. I see you're paying close attention, but I also see you've burned your cauldron black. I am DEFINITELY not testing your potion on my assistant. Who here still has a clean cauldron, followed all the ingredients, and mastered and completed the potion?

Jesus was walking and stubbed his toe but actually broke and went to the hospital, Regina. You're freaking out about finishing a potion? Alright, alright. If you completed the potion and did everything perfectly, then I believe that gives you a happy ending in this class. Can you show me, please? Quickly, I want to cure my assistant. His popping boils are making me want to throw up.
 Ooh, a nice blue color with fizz. I wouldn't say this is just right or perfect, but it's pretty good. Good enough to cure a face full of boils. Come here, my dearest assistant. There you go!
 
Yep, that's right. You're cured. And you're still ugly as hell. Alright, students. Your homework for this week is to pick a potion to brew, and you have to brew it on your own. Then you'll write down your test results and what you did. Well, I'm pleased to say that class is OVERRR!!!!