You remind me of one of my first students, Loki. He died because Jane tickled him so much that he laughed too much and died from a heart attack and a symptom of raisin feet from being tickled too much. Jane commit suicide after this because her heart broke and she was so depressed that she killed him. Well, I never really admired their work here anyway. They'll do better up where they are right now. Love you, Jane and Loki! Alright, our second student is Charli XCX. Thranduil is OBSESSED with her. She hates him, and he stalks her around. When she is in the bathroom, he opens the shower curtains and takes pictures of her and her nude body. She doesn't even know it! Isn't that funny? I plan on telling her sometime, but I'm too lazy and I can't get off my fat ass, so I probably won't be doing it soon. Charli is a singer, and she is quite famous.
Say hi, Charli. Oh my god, I love how Thranduil is dying right now. Not that he literally is, I wouldn't kill him off or something. Like I did with --- WHOOPASEEMO! Not gonna say it. Part of the surpri --- OH CURSE ME AND MY BLABBERING MOUTH! Our very next student, is Legolas. He is the son of Thranduil, who had him with Charli. Long story. Might have to do with forceful --- NEVER MIND! Here he comes, the babe!
Leggy, you're not supposed to be eating right now. Put down that Queso Frito or te voy a dar. Don't bother with asking. Not that I would hurt a babe like you. BABE ALERT! But still, I might. Anyway, what does Lembas even mean? Aside from that, here comes Tauriel. Captain of the Guard, she worked for Legolas. He has SUUUUUCH a big thing for her and he is CONSTANTLY following her around and stuffing cheese in her face and smooching her or weird stuff like that. YEESH!
Tauriel, now why are you trying to kill Thranduil? He's done nothing to you except for trying to get with you along with Charli. HAH! Of course he did something to you. Just leave him alone. Only I'M allowed to kill here. I mean, I have done it before which has to do with the surp --- GODDAMN ME WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP MENTIONING THAT?! Kids, don't copy this bad language. I picked it up at the undersea hotel. Damn waiter kept serving me what I didn't order and then cursing at himself. We have Tobin, Frodo, Bilbo, Alex, Thorin, and Fili. BUT FORGET ABOUT THEM! They'll show up in the next class. WE'LL BEGIN, FINALLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today we are going to be learning about Middle Earth, which is actually where all our students except for Charli are from. A completely different dimension from our planet Earth. It's very dangerous but cool. There's Rivendell, Erebor (my person favorite), Laketown, Bree, Mordor, and a bunch of other places that I care not to mention because I'm way too lazy. We'll begin with the Desolation of Smaug. Smaug was in fact a dragon who attacked Erebor and destroyed it. I won't show a pic of him because Thorin HATES him so much since he destroyed his kingdom. We also have goblins, Orcs, elves, dwarves, Men, Hobbits, Ents, Stone-giants, and Wizards. They all play an important part of Middle Earth, with all different things to do. They all have rivalries, especially Elves and Dwarves. Oh, and by the way, you guys might see something in the posts that might seem like it is the surprise, but really, it's not. Whatever you think it is was a fake and he's not back yet --- I KEEP RUINING THE SURPRIIIIIIIISE! JUST SHUT UP, ME! Alright, anyways, there's also the Desolation of Smaug. It's this giant mountain where the great dragon Smaug lays in a universal pile of gold, guarding it and always sleeping like a lazy-face. He also protects the Arkenstone so no one takes it, but I went and took it from him. Since it was destroyed, here's a copy of it just so you guys know how it looks.
It's so pretty, right? Well if you guys try to take it, I'll murder you! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!! Aside from that, this replica actually belongs to my abuela. Give her credit, rather than me. It's not even worth anything, but it's special because like I said, my abuela owns it. So if you try to steal it while I'm not looking, I actually will kill you. Anyway, that doesn't matter because that's not the main point I'm trying to point out here. This is a class and you WILL pay attention, otherwise I'll kick you out and end you, like I've mentioned before. So, we have a few more things to learn before we begin with the quiz to review what you have learned. First of all, I'd like to state a few things so you guys know in the future. Thranduil and Legolas are my two hotties, and I can say that they totally seem into me. Especially Legolas.
Don't look at me like that, babe. I've got a lot of things to deal with right now, along with the fact that you're the hottest person ever staring right in my face. Okay, you guys. That's all I wanted to point out. In Mid-Earth, I might have mentioned, are a race called Stone-giants. Here's a picture of them.
Aren't they so cool but also creepy and scary? Well, they actually fight each other and use giant mountains and rocks to throw at each other. They are among the natural creatures of Mid-Earth. There are also Ents, which are these tree humanoid creatures that protect nature. They're kinda lazy, since they don't engage much in wars. Actually, I take that back. I can't blame them. I wouldn't engage in a war! HAH! I mean, only the bravest and fiercest people do that.
Aragorn, what the heck are you doing here so late? You missed half the class, you stinky half-wit!
Arwen? You too? I'm very ashamed of you guys. You're new students, and I thought you joined because you actually cared. I expected you to AT LEAST come to your very first class on time. But now I see that I can't expect too much of you.
Thranduil, what is wrong with you? Don't tell me you have a thing for Arwen too.
WWWHHHAAATTT???!!! YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?! WELL GOODNESS GRACIOUS, DON'T DO IT HERE! And please, hold it. We are about to have our test. I am sorry, but you'll have plenty of time to go afterward.
Okay, good. Thanks for holding it, I really appreciate it. Anyways, back to scolding Aragorn and Arwen. What the heck is wrong with you guys? You were supposed to make it on time, but NO! You couldn't because WHAT?! You probably delayed it because you had some stinky disgusting things to do that you thought were more important than schools. You know, I hope someday you guys end up on the streets because you failed your exams way back and you're crying because you were ever wondering why you came late to class on your first day of school!
Legolas, now what are you looking at you bad boy?
Wait, are you looking at Arwen's FACE or at her---
Thranduil, I cannot believe you're in this too. Why the hell are guys so stupid and only want one damn thing? Well stop it, you idiots. Look, even Aragorn is aggravated! You're moving in on his girl!
See? Look how aggravated and depressed he is? You boys should be ashamed of yourselves! What are you gonna do next? Stare at Charli's boobs?
Look at that! Thranduil's eyes immediately rush over to Charli's girls! Pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic! PATHETIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!! ALRIGHT, SETTLE DOWN YOU STUPID DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S TIME FOR THE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!!!!!!!! Settle down, everyone. We are about to have the test. Oh, and if you boys fail, don't say I didn't warn you about paying attention. This may be a short quiz, but it ain't no raspberry-jam-filled lemon mousse banana frosted chocolate coated fondant decorated cake! Ooh, now I'm hungry! Give me a second here, guys.
Oh, yummy! YUUUUMMMYYYY!!!!!!! That's so delicious! Alright, kids. On with the quiz. 2 sets of three questions each and then we're done. Here we go.
(A) Which one is Thorin Oakenshield's dad? Thrain or Thror?
(B) What was the great dragon's name?
(C) What was the name of the stone that the dwarves valued with their lives?
Alright, whoever answers these three questions correctly will get three points. Any volunteers? Yes? No?
Wow, Aragorn. I'm surprised you're actually doing something rather than fighting for a girl. Trying to make up for being late, huh? So what's the answer to the first question? Which is Thorin's dad? Thrain or Thror?
Thrain is the dad of Thorin? Good, Aragorn. That's correct. You get 3 points, kudos to you! Next question. What was the great dragon's name?
YOU STUPID, STUPID THORIN! WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE COMING SO LATE WHEN I SPECIFICALLY WANTED THEM TO COME EARLY?! YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NEW STUDENTS TO BE LATE LIKE THIS! SIT DOWN, THORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And plus, 'Slug' is not the name of the dragon. It's Smaug, alright? Smaug! And here I am, thinking you would've known the answer to that question! He's the one who attacked Erebor. You should AT LEAST know him freaking name! Yeesh, I'm going over the top here. I forgot to take my meds. Give your humble teacher a second here, guys.
Just lemme pop them in my mouth. UGH! THAT'S HORRID! SOMEONE GIVE ME A GLASS OF WATER OR A SUNDAE!
MMMMM! THAT'S DELICIOUS! Alright, now I'm better. Back to the quiz. Third question: What was the name of the stone that the dwarves valued with their lives?
Okay, Thorin. Now THAT one was right. It is the Arkenstone. You get three points! Now for our second and last set of three questions.(A) What is Aragorn's nickname in the wild?
(B) What is the name of the Orc who killed Thror?
(C) What did Arwen say to her dad that was very important and true?
Now let's begin by answering the first question.
Yes, Thranduil. You are very correct there. Aragorn's nickname in the wild is 'Strider'. Three points are awarded to you. Next up! What is the name of the Orc who killed Thror?
Yes, Thorin. You are right again! But please, give the other students a chance. Another three points for you. Alrighty! We are down to the last question of the quiz. What did Arwen say to her dad that was very important and true?
Yes, you're right on that one, Arwen. You still get three points, but I meant for someone else to answer that question, since you already know what you said because you said it. Isn't that so stupidly funny and confusing? Never mind. I guess not. Alright, that wraps it up. We're done here. WAIT! I almost forgot about the surprise I was going to show you guys at the end of class. It's actually a present for someone in the classroom. Bring it in, guys!
Here it is. Alright now, Melody. You can have the honors of opening this big baby up.
What? Now why would you be scared of opening it up? It's not like there's some life-sized jack-in-the-box inside waiting to jump out and scare you. Just open it up!
Awwww! I'm crying right now, this is so happy for me to see. You know, Melody, I may have not liked how you and Jim loved each other before, but now I've changed. I'm so sorry about what I did to him. I guess I was just so corrupted by anger that I went crazy and did something I wasn't supposed to do. I hope you can forgive me, I really hope you can.
Oh, that's so sweet! So, you want to know how I brought him back? Well, I had a surprise brewing in the Teachers' Room ever since 2015. I created a machine called a Lazarus. It can bring people back from the dead. So, after I experienced a while of pain and shame of what I did, I decided to build it. It took two years, which is awfully long, but it was DEFINITELY worth it. I did it to see you happy again, Melody. Because you're not only my student, you're like my daughter.
Oh my god, gotta stop the tears here. Heh! Alright guys, once again, that wraps it up. You can leave now. Buh-bye!
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