History of Halloween class!

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey dumb-asses, it's me, I'M BACK! Yes, I have just returned for, GET READY! THE NEWEST CLASS INSTALLED BECAUSE IT IS HALLOWEENTIME: HALLOWEEN CLASS! We only have this class during Halloween time, basically September-October and if anyone tries to even mention it during other times of the year I slamdunk them and kill them. SO YEAH! NO PRESSURE on keepin' that babblin' mouth of yours SHUT! Alright, so let's start off with a bit of history about Halloween. WHO WANTS TO GIVE SOME BACKGROUND??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES YOU'RE RIGHT, CAITLIN! ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! What a smart-ass. In case you douchebags didn't hear her, what Caitlin said is Halloween or Hallowe'en (a contraction of Hallows' Even or Hallows' Evening), also known as Allhalloween, All Hallows' Eve, or All Saints' Eve, is a celebration observed in many countries on 31 October, the eve of the Western Christian feast of All Hallows' Day. 

It begins the observance of Allhallowtide, the time in the liturgical year dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed. One theory holds that many Halloween traditions originated from ancient Celtic harvest festivals, particularly the Gaelic festival Samhain, which may have had pagan roots and that Samhain itself was Christianized as Halloween by the early Church. Other scholars believe, however, that Halloween began solely as a Christian holiday, separate from ancient festivals like Samhain.Halloween activities include trick-or-treating (or the related guising and souling), attending Halloween costume parties, carving pumpkins into jack-o'-lanterns, lighting bonfires, apple bobbing, divination games, playing pranks, visiting haunted attractions, telling scary stories, as well as watching horror films. 

In many parts of the world, the Christian religious observances of All Hallows' Eve, including attending church services and lighting candles on the graves of the dead, remain popular, although elsewhere it is a more commercial and secular celebration. Some Christians historically abstained from meat on All Hallows' Eve, a tradition reflected in the eating of certain vegetarian foods on this vigil day, including apples, potato pancakes, and soul cakes.

SO YEAH! Nice explanation, Caitlin! I SEE YOU KNOW YOUR STUFF! Anyways, let me start ranting on about how AMAZINGLY I decorated SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD for Halloween this year! I absolutely LOVE Halloween! It's one of my FAVORITE holidays EVER! Actually, I have a Fortune-telling Gypsy locked up in one of my dungeons deep down in SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD, I captured her last Halloween when all the grizzly ghouls came out. So basically, she told me a Prophecy, and personally, I don't really believe much in all that supernatural prophecy shit, but I actually BELIEVED this one! That's because it's TRUE! So basically, she told me this AWFUL Prophecy about how on Halloween Night, October 31st, the Prophecy will come true, and this Prophecy says this: 

Darkness falls across the land

The midnight hour is close at hand

Creatures crawl in search of blood

To terrorize y'awl's neighborhood

And whosoever shall be found

Without the soul for getting down

Must stand and face the hounds of hell

And rot inside a corpse's shell

The foulest stench is in the air

The funk of forty thousand years

And grizzly ghouls from every tomb

Are closing in to seal your doom

And though you fight to stay alive

Your body starts to shiver

For no mere mortal can resist

The evil of the thriller!

So, what do y'all THINK?! I thought it was actually pretty cool, although I got a literal HEART ATTACK when she told me this because she's like the Spirit of Delphi, her eyes turned all glowing white and shit and I went into cardiac arrest because of how SCARED I was! I screamed out for help for my assistants to come save me and commit CPR on me and after they revived me I murdered them because I had no need for them anymore.

Yeah I know, it's a little hard to believe but it's ACTUALLY true, like NO JOKE! Also no, I don't know what you're talking about, Barry, because I've never heard a Halloween song with those lyrics before and if Michael Jackson DID make a song with this lyrics he probably met the Gypsy as well and copied her freaking prophecy without giving her credit! WHAT A BASTARD! Anyways, I KNOW you must be absolutely SHOCKED that there is a living, breathing Gypsy-ass hidden deep in our school but I don't suggest you go looking for her because I will murder you. Alright, so just get ready for an army of grizzly ghouls to attack SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD on Halloween night because it's definitely gonna happen, I can read the Cosmos, it will. ALRIGHT! So, lemme take out my Jack-O-Lantern so we can STUDY IT!

SO YEAH! Sorry I turned off the lights in the classroom, I just wanted you guys to see how absolutely CREEPY AND SPOOKY my Jack-O-Lanterns. Oh shit, I can't find the light now, it's SO DARK!

I'm glad you asked, Rapunzel. Would you please light a candle?

ASSISTANT! I'm gonna murder her ass for scaring Rapunzel like that. Dumb hoe. Alright, let's get back to class! So Jack-O-Lanterns, like the ones I have here, are known to be what? Well, a jack-o'-lantern is essentially a carved pumpkin, turnip, or other root vegetable lantern associated with Halloween. Its name comes from the phenomenon of a strange light flickering over peat bogs, called will-o'-the-wisp or jack-o'-lantern.The carving of vegetables has been a common practice in many parts of the world. It is believed that the custom of making jack-o'-lanterns at Hallowe'en time began in Ireland. In the 19th century, "turnips or mangel wurzels, hollowed out to act as lanterns and often carved with grotesque faces," were used on Halloween in parts of Ireland and the Scottish Highlands. In these Gaelic-speaking regions, Halloween was also the festival of Samhain and was seen as a time when supernatural beings (the Aos Sí), and the souls of the dead, walked the earth. Jack-o'-lanterns were also made at Halloween time in Somerset (see Punkie Night) during the 19th century.

By those who made them, the lanterns were said to represent either spirits or supernatural beings, or were used to ward off evil spirits. For example, sometimes they were used by Halloween participants to frighten people, and sometimes they were set on windowsills to keep harmful spirits out of one's home. It has also been suggested that the jack-o'-lanterns originally represented Christian souls in purgatory, as Halloween is the eve of All Saints' Day (1 November)/All Souls' Day (2 November).

On Halloween in 1835, the Dublin Penny Journal published a long story on the legend of "Jack-o'-the-Lantern". In 1837, the Limerick Chronicle refers to a local pub holding a carved gourd competition and presenting a prize to "the best crown of Jack McLantern". The term "McLantern" also appears in an 1841 publication of the same paper.

There is also evidence that turnips were used to carve what was called a "Hoberdy's Lantern" in Worcestershire, England, at the end of the 18th century. The folklorist Jabez Allies recalls. 

So yeah,THERE YOU HAVE IT! Halloween is ACTUALLY a PRETTY COOL holiday that we should ALL CELEBRATE! Those people who don't celebrate it are so STUPID and don't know what they're missing out on. Anyways, so I want you guys to help me decorate the school some more so IT IS A COMPLETE ADVENTURE AND AMAZEMENT FOR HALLOWEEN!!!! Alright, so I want everyone to carve their own pumpkins for today's classwork so I can see the range of awful to amazing skills in this class AND so I can give all you guys a grade AND so I can have MORE PUMPKINS TO PUT AROUND THE SCHOOL!!!!! 

Yes I KNOW, I'm SUCH a CREATIVE teacher! Aren't you guys SO happy that I'm ACTUALLY a FUN teacher that gives FUN homework and classwork and isn't like those other asses out there who assign so much dumb overwhelming bullshit to their students? Yes you are, aren't you? ALRIGHT!!!!!!! GET TO WORK!!! YOU ONLY HAVE 10 MINUTES, GO, GO, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does that look like a friggin-ass POT, Rapunzel, may I ask? Okay, so in case you guys need some extra help on how to carve a Jack-O-Lantern WHICH YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO, my dumbass shit assistants will demonstrate for you. Here they are, watch them everybody!

HURRY UP ASSHOLES!!!! UGH I HATE YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm killing you all after this, just know that. ALRIGHT! Now that you all have seen a few examples of what your freaking pumpkin should REMOTELY look like, then GO AHEAD, START CARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, side note: I'm thinking of throwing a Halloween Masquerade at SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! It's gonna become an annual thing so get FRIGGIN' READY FOR IT!!!!!!!!

Wow, that's awful.

MIGUEL, PLEASE! You KNOW its bad, you know it yourself, so please don't start getting offended! IT'S THE FRIGGIN' TRUTH SO TRY HARDER BECAUSE I WANT SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD TO LOOK SCARY AS HELL THIS SEASON, DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also if you don't hurry up and make me something worth it, then I might just blab to Rapunzel about your feelings for her. 

EXACTLY! You don't want me to do that, right? Because you know she would scream if I told her, so start WORKING YOUR BUTT OFF! SCRAM! GO AHEAD! Also, Hawk there is just trying to give you some pointers about how to do it right. HAWK, SHOW HIM HOW IT'S DONE!!!!

Ooooh, I like where this is going!

AND HE'S FINISHED!!!! HAWK IS FINISHED!!!! OH MY GOD THAT IS SO GORGEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WILL BE THE FIRST PUMPKIN TO DECORATE THE HALLWAYS!!!!! HAWK OH MY GOD HAWK YOU ARE MY LITERAL HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Guys! You should all follow HAWK'S example! YOU HEAR THAT?! Okay you guys heard it! OKAY, THAT'S TIME!!!! Everyone show your pumpkins and lets see who wins best pumpkin!!! This was also somewhat of a pumpkin-carving contest, so yeah!

Rapunzel! OH MY GOD! Is this one YOURS???!!! THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS ONE???? REALLY???? I ABSOLUTELY LOOOOOOOOOOVE THAT MOVIE!!!!

A+/100% FOR YOU RAPUNZEL!!!

YEEEEEEES!!! I KNOW YOU'RE SO EXCITED AND HAPPY AND OVERWHELMED!!! You did an absolutely remarkable and AMAZING job, Rapunzel!!! You deserve the grade you received! ALRIGHT, NEXT UP, MIGUEL DIAZ!!!!

Whoa, it actually came out better than I expected it to. Well, points to YOU, Miguel, for making an absolutely CREEPY AND SPOOKY Jack-O-Lantern that will SCARE THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE WHO WALKS BY IT AND GIVE THEM A HEART ATTACK AND A STROKE AND GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST AND DIE ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! Okay sorry, I went overboard, actually I didn't, you guys just can't handle anything because you're freaking SISSIES!!!

Okay, OKAY! DON'T TAKE IT TO YOUR HEAD!!! Stop fist-bumping my dumb-ass assistant PLEASE! Also, you could give that Jack-O-Lantern to Rapunzel as a love confession if you want to, I personally think that would be an AWESOME idea! Of course it's awesome, because I, the Teacher, came up with it!

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!! YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT, RAPUNZEL, PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT!!! NEVER MIND! FORGET I SAID THAT! AND WE'RE MOVING ON!!! FLYNN, LET. HER. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh! Who's pumpkin is this? 

I'm sorry, am I supposed to be impressed? This pumpkin has absolutely NO character WHATSOEVER! Look at its COMPLETELY BLAND-ASS FACE!!! I can't even BELIEVE you think this QUALIFIES, Cisco! This is a straight up F right here, brother! 

Don't even THINK about fighting with me on it, you KNOW you didn't try! YOU KNOW! ALRIGHT! MOVIN' OOOON!!! Barry! Is this YOURS?

OOOOOOH!!!! It has green flames emerging from it, you added that EXTRA TOUCH OF HALLOWEEN SEASON SPOOKINESS! OH BABY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, FOR THIS YOU DESERVE AN A++++++++++++++++++-------

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!! FORGET I SAID THAT, BARRY! EVERYONE, FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID OR I WILL MURDER YOU AAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!! Except for Barry of course! ANYWAAAAYYSSS!!!!! Let's take a look at the rest, shall we? Hehe! "sweat, sweat, pant, pant"

WHAT?! How are their FACES moving?! Who did this? Ignacio? Ignacio how did you do that?

Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, YOU BASTARD!!!! HEY, HEY! STOP LOOKING AT RAPUNZEL AND LOOK AT ME!! ME, YOUR TEACHER!!! Oh yeah, by the way, I decided to reform you and turn you into my student so your criminal record against Rapunzel would be washed clean.

Also, stop being so awkward towards Ignacio, Rapunzel, I know you remember that kiss that happened last class between you and him and that might happen again if you're not careful with that fresh attitude! Who's pumpkin is this? It looks so PLAIN! Although I still like how eerie and spooky and creepy it looks, A- to THIS PERSON!

Oh it was Olaf, of COURSE! Who ELSE would it be? Olaf, have Miguel show you how to do it the right way! ALRIGHT, CLASS OVER, AND TEACHER OUT!!!!

Exploring Ancient China!

Yes, I know what you're thinking: why am I back so soon? You guys don't deserve this much of my awesome self all in one day! And you know, I absolutely agree with you. But unfortunately, I am a teacher and it is my job to teach. I mean, it's literally in the name. Plus, I am the ONLY teacher in the entire school. We used to have others but then I realized how much I disliked the idea of not being the only one in power so I terminated them all. Some went into the pool of acid, others went into the lake of sea monsters, and I could go on listing all the several ways I got rid of them, but that's a story for another day. So! Who wants to take a wild guess at what we'll be learning about TODAY?! Don't answer, it was rhetorical. YES, WE WILL BE DELVING DEEP INTO ANCIENT CHINA! We will explore all the ancient secrets and amazing facts about this incredible massive empire that extended over a large area of land and was one of the most innovative civilizations in the ancient world before it became a crowded over-populated bustling city in the modern times full of smoke and---well, overpopulation. Whip out your papers and pens, kids. Taking notes is going to be an essential part of history, otherwise your ass will never remember anything and I'LL FAIL YOU! Now, with that wonderful fact in mind, can anyone tell me why China was called an empire?

Absolutely and unequivocally right, Ginger! I hope you all took note of that: like Ginger said, China was known as an empire because it was all under the control of one ruler, who was known as the emperor of China. Now, as I'm sure you're all well aware of, the time of ancient China was divided into different dynasties. The term dynasty is defined as a line of hereditary rulers of a country. Historians consider the following dynasties to have unified China proper: the Qin dynasty, the Western Han, the Xin dynasty, the Eastern Han, the Western Jin, the Sui dynasty, the Tang dynasty, the Wu Zhou, the Northern Song, the Yuan dynasty, the Ming dynasty, and the Qing dynasty. As you may conclude from my earlier statement of the definition of dynasty, when a new family takes control, then a new dynasty begins. The Mandate of Heaven is what the Chinese people believed gave their rulers the right to be king or emperor. It meant that the gods had blessed that person with the right to rule. A ruler had to be a good and just ruler to keep the Mandate of Heaven. Kind of like me, right? I'm good and just. Anyways, in Chinese the Mandate of Heaven was called Tianming. Does anyone know which dynasty was the most powerful, lasted the longest, and marked the Golden Age of ancient China?

Absolutely, Elizabeth. Absolutely. Did you all hear her? The Tang dynasty, that is spelled T-A-N-G. It is considered a golden age of Chinese arts and culture. In power from 618 to 906 A.D., Tang China attracted an international reputation that spilled out of its cities and, through the practice of Buddhism, spread its culture across much of Asia. Emperors had a lot of power, so whoever was in charge and depending on how much they chose to exert this power, the empire would either suffer or flourish. Let's take Hagrid, for example. If he was emperor of China, everything would collapse into ruin within less than a week. However, if someone strong and brave and clever like Sergio was emperor of China, his empire would flourish and his legacy would live on in a line of emperors that would leave a golden age in China to go on for centuries.

Yeah, you stupid pile of dung. I just said that, and you know it's true. You would make an awful emperor; everything would be in complete ruin because of you. Anyways, moving on! Among the most famous emperors were Qin Shi Huang of the Qin dynasty, the Emperors Gaozu and Wu of the Han dynasty, Emperor Taizong of the Tang dynasty, Kublai Khan of the Yuan dynasty, the Hongwu Emperor of the Ming dynasty, and the Kangxi Emperor of the Qing dynasty. Now, as you all probably know, a system like imperialism is bound to have very distinguishable pros and cons. Can anyone tell me a con of imperialism? Why can it be bad?

Correct, babe! UH, I mean Che! Hah, look at me with my blabbing mouth. Anyways, Che is right, but let's put his answer into more formal terms. Imperialism has its own positive aspects, but in the longer run when greed takes over the reason for helping another nation, it leads to destruction of a nation, and generations to come are severely impacted by the actions of few. I mean, think about it: if one person has all this power over a large empire and the person isn't good or just as the Mandate of Heaven requires, imagine what they will do with all that power. If you're not prepared for such a massive responsibility and you don't know how to handle it, it could destroy you as a person. The power might get to your head, and you will start making decisions based on your own greedy and selfish reasons, leading you to become---as Che put it---a "beast". Let me give you an example: Emperor Yang. Write his name down, guys. You'll need to remember him for future reference. Despite his accomplishments, Emperor Yang is generally considered by traditional historians to be one of the worst tyrants in Chinese history and the reason for the Sui Dynasty's relatively short rule. Ruling from 604 to 618, he committed to several large construction projects, most notably the completion of the Grand Canal, and the reconstruction of the Great Wall. Now, this is where the controversy comes in. You'd think such accomplishments are great, and they are in a sense, but they are also not. The reconstruction of the Great Wall was a project which took the lives of nearly six million workers. Now pair that with the good of the project and try to balance it out. You can't, can you? You just can't stop thinking about how many lives were taken, so how could you possibly view it as a good thing? And you are absolutely right, it wasn't. But see? That's why he was controversial. When you have something that's both a good thing and a bad thing, conflict begins to arise as arguments form between people. Some will say that lives need to be lost in order for an empire to flourish and become powerful, and others will say that nothing can justify taking innocent lives. But the most important thing about history is that you can't ever start viewing it as something to be opiniated about. History is for the purpose of teaching us about the past so we can learn from both the good things and the bad things, and learn from the mistakes of our predecessors so we can become better people and be informed. I mean, you can't live in a country and not know anything about its history. That's just not acceptable. Being informed is one of the most important parts of history. Now, let's move on to the topic of religion. Can anyone tell me what religion was practiced in imperial China?

Correctamundo, Linda! Ancient China had not one, but THREE religions! These three were Confucianism, Taoism and Buddhism and were widely practiced in ancient China. Followers of Confucianism believe, among other things, in filial piety, which means respecting your elders. Taoism is where the symbol for Yin and Yang comes from. And of course, we all know about Buddhism; the teachings of the Buddha are aimed solely at liberating sentient beings from suffering. These three religions are considered the “three pillars” of ancient Chinese society. As philosophies and religions, they not only influenced spirituality, but also government, science, the arts, and social structure. We are going to discuss each religion individually so we can go a little deeper into them and you can learn more instead of just grazing the surface and learning the general themes. Starting with Confucianism, of course. Confucianism was a philosophy developed in 6th-century BCE China, which is considered by some a secular-humanist belief system, by some a religion, and by others a social code. The broad range of subjects touched on by Confucianism lends itself to all three of these interpretations depending on which aspects one focuses on. The philosophy is based on the belief that human beings are essentially good, that they engage in immoral behavior through lack of a strong moral standard, and that adherence to an ethical code, and rituals which encourage it, enabled one to live a productive and tranquil life of peace which would translate to a strong, ethical, and prosperous state. It was founded by Confucius (551-479 BCE), a Chinese philosopher of the Spring and Autumn Period (c. 772-476 BCE). Confucius is considered among the greatest philosophers of the Hundred Schools of Thought (also given as the Contention of the Hundred Schools of Thought) which references the time during the Spring and Autumn Period and Warring States Period (c. 481-221 BCE) when various philosophical schools contended with each other for adherents. He is, without a doubt, the most influential philosopher in China’s history whose views, precepts, and concepts have informed Chinese culture for over 2,000 years. Confucius himself claimed to have written nothing and offered nothing new, insisting his views were taken from older works (known as the Five Classics) he was just popularizing through his school. The later Confucian philosopher and scholar Mencius, however, attributed the Five Classics to Confucius, a view that continued to be held until the mid-20th century CE. These works, three others on Confucian thought, and one by Mencius make up The Four Books and Five Classics which have been the foundational texts of Chinese culture since the time of the Han Dynasty (202 BCE-220 CE) when Confucianism was made the state philosophy. The Four Books and Five Classics are: The Book of Rites (also given as The Book of Great Learning), The Doctrine of the Mean, The Analects of Confucius, The Works of Mencius, The I-Ching, The Classics of Poetry, The Classics of Rites, The Classics of History, and The Spring and Autumn Annals. Does anyone have any questions or would like me to repeat something you missed? Wait, what the hell am I saying? Whoever needs me to repeat is a brainless piece of crap who was clearly not listening to a word I was saying and needs hearing aids, because those of you who know me well know that I do not repeat ANYTHING. LISTEN TO ME FOR CHRIST'S SAKE AND TAKE NOTES!

What's that? You didn't catch the last classic in the Four Books and Five Classics! Oh, of course I can repeat that for you. No big deal. I understand it may be hard sometimes to catch what I'm saying, I am conveying a lot of information after all. Don't ever be afraid to ask if you need me to repeat anything, okay? That would be the Spring and Autumn Annals. Just let me know if there's anything else you need me to repeat. Everyone good?

You . . . want . . . me . . . to . . . REPEAAAAATTTTT???!!!!! WHAT THE HELL DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY NO-REPETITION POLICY, YOU FOOLISH IMBECILE?! WERE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME?! ARE MY WORDS AND MY CLASS THAT UNIMPORTANT TO YOU THAT YOU CANNOT REMEMBER ONE MEASLY FACT BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT WRITING IT DOWN IN YOUR STUPID NOTES?! YOU IDIOT, YOU COMPLETE IDIOT! STUDENTS LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY DEATHS AT THIS SCHOOL! SHAME ON YOU, SHAME ON YOUUUUUU!!!!! DETENTION, RIGHT NOW! ASSISTANT, TAKE HIM DOWN TO THE DUNGEONS AND TEACH HIM A PROPER LESSON ABOUT REPETITIONS! AND NOT THE PAINLESS KIND! Phew, Holy God. All this screaming has stressed me out unbelievably. Will someone please bring me a Ruby Flamingo Frappuccino, ice-ICE cold? My throat is painfully sore from all the yelling. Sometimes I honestly feel so bad for myself with the things I have to go through every day. I'm such a victim here, all my students are so mean to me for no good reason. 

Mmmm, thank you! That is so much better. So soothing, I can feel the sweetness running down my throat and the little icy bits cooling me down and relieving my soreness. Hallelujah! Now, where were we? Ah, yes. On the subject of Taoism. To start off, I'm sure you're all very familiar with this symbol.

Sure, everyone's familiar with it and have probably seen it everywhere, but does anyone know what it actually means or symbolizes? Well, your good-hearted teacher is about to tell you. The ubiquitous Yin-Yang symbol, also known as the Tai Chi symbol, holds its roots in Taoism/Daoism. The yin, the dark swirl, is associated with shadows, femininity, and the trough of a wave; the yang, the light swirl, represents brightness, passion and growth. They are opposites; the very first polar opposites in the beginning of time, according to whoever follows those beliefs. Taoism or Daoism, is a philosophical tradition of Chinese origin which emphasizes living in harmony with the Tao. The Tao is a fundamental idea in most Chinese philosophical schools; in Taoism, however, it denotes the principle that is the source, pattern and substance of everything that exists. Taoist thought focuses on genuineness, longevity, health, immortality, vitality, wu wei (non-action, a natural action, a perfect equilibrium with tao), detachment, refinement (emptiness), spontaneity, transformation and omni-potentiality. The philosophy grew from an observance of the natural world, and the religion developed out of a belief in cosmic balance maintained and regulated by the Tao. The original belief may or may not have included practices such as ancestor and spirit worship but both of these principles are observed by many Taoists today and have been for centuries. Taoism exerted a great influence during the Tang Dynasty (618-907 CE) and the emperor Xuanzong (reigned 712-756 CE) decreed it a state religion, mandating that people keep Taoist writings in their home. It fell out of favor as the Tang Dynasty declined and was replaced by Confucianism and Buddhism but the religion is still practiced throughout China and other countries today. The founder of this religion was a philosopher named Laozi. So, the historian Sima Qian (145-86 BCE) tells the story of Lao-Tzu, a curator at the Royal Library in the state of Chu, who was a natural philosopher. Lao-Tzu believed in the harmony of all things and that people could live easily together if they only considered each other's feelings once in a while and recognized that their self-interest was not always in the interest of others. Lao-Tzu grew impatient with people and with the corruption he saw in government, which caused the people so much pain and misery. He was so frustrated by his inability to change people's behavior that he decided to go into exile. As he was leaving China through the western pass, the gatekeeper Yin Hsi stopped him because he recognized him as a philosopher. Yin Hsi asked Lao-Tzu to write a book for him before he left civilization forever and Lao-Tzu agreed. He sat down on a rock beside the gatekeeper and wrote the Tao-Te-Ching (The Book of the Way). He stopped writing when he felt he was finished, handed the book to Yin Hsi, and walked through the western pass to vanish into the mist beyond. Sima Qian does not continue the story after this but, presumably (if the story is true) Yin Hsi would have then had the Tao-Te-Ching copied and distributed. And last but definitely not least, I will talk about Buddhism. I know you all have definitely seen this statue before.

Look familiar? Well, that's because it is! This statue is the Buddha, the basis of Buddhism as a religion. The Buddha, or Gautama Buddha as he was also called, was a philosopher, mendicant, meditator, spiritual teacher, and religious leader who lived in Ancient India. He is revered as the founder of the world religion of Buddhism, and worshiped by most Buddhist schools as the Enlightened One who has transcended Karma and escaped the cycle of birth and rebirth. The Basic Teachings of the Buddha which are core to Buddhism are: The Three Universal Truths, The Four Noble Truths, and The Noble Eightfold Path. The Three Universal Truths are: 1. Everything is impermanent and changing 2. Impermanence leads to suffering, making life imperfect, and 3. The self is not personal and unchanging. The Four Noble Truths comprise the essence of Buddha's teachings, though they leave much left unexplained. They are the truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering. The Fourth Noble Truths chart the method for attaining the end of suffering, known to Buddhists as the Noble Eightfold Path. The steps of the Noble Eightfold Path are Right Understanding, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. Buddhists believe following the Noble Eightfold Path will lead them to achieve enlightenment. In Buddhism, enlightenment (called bodhi in Indian Buddhism, or satori in Zen Buddhism) is when a Buddhist finds the truth about life and stops being reborn because they have reached Nirvana. Once you get to Nirvana you are not born again into samsara (which is suffering). So basically, before that, you continue being reborn or reincarnated, as it is also called, until you reach enlightenment and you no longer have to go through that crap. No questions, obviously, and no one who would like me to repeat unless they want to end up like that deadbeat Batman. He should be called Bat-loser in my opinion. What a waste of society, what a human stain. Yeah, Gotham's hero MY ASS. He shouldn't be called the Dark Knight, he should be called the Dark Loser. It's no wonder Gotham is such a failure of a city, it's all his fault. Anyways, guys, that is it for today on the subject of ancient China! I hope you all learned a lot and are extremely fascinated by what I taught you, and I hope you all took a hell of a lot of notes to prepare for the 100-question test that is worth 20 grades next class. Also, do additional research on ancient China because only like 10% of what's on the test will be actually be what we learned, and the other 90% will be random information that I never taught you guys! How fun, right? The test is only one take, and definitely NOT open-note. If you pass, GREAT! If you fail, torture time, which is also great but only for me! As I said before, no questions and no repetitions. I won't answer anything. I was very clear about everything and that is that. Teacher OUT!

MORE STUDENTS!

HEY GUYS! So, I'm back. Of course I am, I was literally just here a few effing minutes ago. Anyways, have I got a story to tell you: so, I was exploring SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! and walking around, and then I discovered a secret passage hidden behind one of the hideous paintings. You know I'm a curious one, so I obviously went in there. Guess what I found there? GUESS! HEY, that was rhetorical. Don't answer my effing question for me. I found . . . wait for it, A TIME MACHINE! Yeah, that's effing right! An effing time machine! A real 100%-working high-quality time machine. I completely forgot that we had one in our school, but then when I saw it I remembered that I had hidden it away because of how reckless the school had gotten with time travel and so many catastrophes and crises had been caused because of dumb-asses here, so I had to put it away where NO ONE could ever find it again! Except for me, of course. It could only be found by those who already know where it is. Anyways, continuing: so, you know me. I got cocky! I remembered how much fun the times had been when time traveling was still a thing for our school, so I decided to get in the B.U.T.T.---that's its name, the Brisk Universal Time Tanker---but of course, since I haven't used it in forever and I forgot how everything works, I pressed a few buttons here and there and sent my ass off to the 50's. SO GUESS WHERE I LANDED? Yep, my ass landed right in the middle of the Cuban Revolution. I completely forgot about that, nor had I the slightest idea I was going to land in Cuba. You know, with the revolution and all. I forgot about that little detail. And, you guys, you'll never guess who the hell I met there! The super-famous and super-HOT, may I mention, Argentine revolutionary Che Guevara! I mean, this guy is a real hottie guys. Anyways, I saw him doing revolutionary-related things and as I was walking, he accidentally hit me with his tank. Isn't that romantic? He jumped off and started rambling on in Spanish, and I didn't understand a THING, but all I answered back was an occasional 'yes', 'no', and 'I think you're hot'. I tried to touch his bicep but he pulled out his gun on me, so at this point I was like 'BAD BOY ALERT', and I pepper-sprayed him. Then I knocked him out and I dragged him all the way to the B.U.T.T. and hitched a ride all the way back to present time, in SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! When he woke up, he could suddenly speak English! Isn't it just incredible, what time-travel can do to a person? Anyways, sorry for that little rant. Here he is, guys!

HOTTIE! Now you listen to me, EACH and EVERY one of you. If I catch you with googly eyes at MY man, there are going to be consequences. MAJOR ONES! I will make sure you never see the light of day again, and that you suffer THE WORST DEATH POSSIBLE! Okay? Okay, sweet-peas. Now, moving on. As much as I would like to stay on him, both figuratively and physically, we're moving on to other new students that need to be introduced. UGH, B-WORDS! Anyways, here comes Elizabeth Taylor, the British beauty! You guys may have heard of her, I brought her here with the B.U.T.T. as well. 

HEY THERE, GIRL! You're so goddamn gorgeous. And how is everything? Sorry I kidnapped you, by the way. Yeah, that's kind of going to be permanent. You're not going back to your time until you graduate.

And I---wait a minute, what's going on here? Che, why are you smiling at Elizabeth like that? Wait, you have a THING for her? NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!!!!!! 

See? Look at her, she's absolutely and utterly uncomfortable with you ogling her like that! I mean, what's wrong with me? Why can't you have me? I'll learn Spanish and become a smoker, and I'll learn all your revolutionary crap so we can liberate Cuba together! HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE! Isn't that like, something you said? Anyways, I would introduce her fiancee, but he went missing. He arrived here with her, but he might've waded off into my dangerous lake of sea monsters that are incredibly rare and deadly. His name was John Jr. 2 "Slop" Temple, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore since he's MIA, or maybe even KIA. 

Oh stop screaming! We have a life-reviving machine called the Lazarus---oh wait, never mind. I forgot that crappy invention stopped working AGES ago. Last time I tried using it was on an assistant who had gotten sacrificed by a Mayan priest, but I never got around to it anyways because I didn't care much for that turd. Also guys, that's the norm around here. People come and go and die and live, who knows? I mean, we have a motto: If you're not ready for it, then you won't live to see it! I came up with that after our first death in the school. It's a great motto, isn't it? Well anyways, enough of that. I have a few other students I would like to introduce, starting with Dr. Linda Martin here. She is a licensed therapist outside of school, guys! Isn't that so cool? So if any of you have any emotional issues, you can go to her. Here she is!

Hang in there, Linda! You don't have anything to worry about, you're surrounded by loving students---actually, scratch that. You're surrounded by unstable, ill-mannered people who might die sooner or later if they don't watch themselves, and I am the only person worthy of life here. Anyways guys, I would like to introduce the fiancee of Linda, Amenadiel. Yeah guys, he is actually an angel from Heaven! Me and the big guy have connections. Here he is.

I was about to get to that, Amenadiel. Stop spoiling everything. Sorry guys, it's his angel-sense sort of thing. He can sense EVERYTHING. Anyways, he's right. Someone did escape from hell, but don't worry. He won't kill anyone---at least, I don't think he won't. If he killed his brother, he'll probably have no problem killing strangers. Anyways, here he is: Cain! Yeah, that's right, Cain from the effing Bible, PEOPLE! Cain, do you know why you're here?

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OFFICIALLY ENROLLED IN SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! And your ass is not going anywhere until you graduate. Hell can have you back after that. Now, moving on, I would like to introduce another character from hell. Okay, I know I'm being a bit freakish with hell and all, but seriously, you guys are gonna love this guy. The incarnate of evil, the king of hell, and the prince of demons! The guy who persuaded our girl Eve back in the day to eat that apple (which by the way, wasn't even ripe), and the guy who is famous for bringing out our desires and temptations! Here comes the one, THE ONLY . . . . LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR! Also known as Satan, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, etc. 

HOLY---AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU DUMBASS, THAT'S NOT FUNNY! IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, I'LL HAVE YOU SENT STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE DUNGEONS WHERE YOU'LL BE TORTURED FOR A GOOD AMOUNT OF TIME! And yeah, I don't care if you're the devil, I'm still your superior as your teacher AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!

Now don't you . . . . I---I want to smash Che so hard his back will break. WAIT, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

HAHAAA, HAH! O-of c-course that was a joke, h-hehe! W-why would I e-ever openly a-admit to something l-like that? Lucifer's tricks are bogus, complete hocus-pocus, guys! Absolutely not true, not in any way or shape or form. It did NOT work on me. HAHA! Let's just make that clear, okay? Forget whatever I said, it's NOT true and definitely not school-appropriate. ANYWAYS, moving on from that so obviously fake instance that occurred, I would like to introduce my next student, who is actually a detective for the LAPD in Los Angeles, Chloe Decker!

Are you implying that your STUPID POLICE WORK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ACADEMIC TIME YOU SPEND AT THIS SCHOOL?! WELL, SEE HERE---

Well would you LOOK at that?! Who knew the lord of all evil, the ACTUAL devil could fall for some random human? Guys, Lucifer has a thing for Chloe! Isn't that adorable? And you know, their beautiful romance would not be ruined if I didn't have to introduce the next load of crap I unfortunately have to call my student and Chloe's fiancee. I present to you guys, Batman!

That's what I literally just said, you stupid-ass! Stop trying to be the center of attention. Just because you save Gotham all the time and you're an esteemed hero there, does not mean you'll earn the same respect and honor from us here! Here, you are the same as all my other students, hence you will be TREATED the same! No special treatment! In fact, I might just treat you worse for that little antic you just let slip there without my permission! I mean, introducing yourself and cutting me off, REALLY! The nerve of some kids. The last kid who did that ended up as lunch for one of my deep-sea creatures. 

Ohhh, now you've got Lucifer mad! He's jealous because you have Chloe, and let me tell you, you're not making the right enemies here. Lucifer could just send you down to hell with the snap of his finger all because he wants Chloe to himself. Are you scared?

Don't point those DIRTY BLACK SAUSAGES AT ME! And stop lying, you know you're scared. I mean, an eternity in hell? Who wouldn't be? Well, not me, because I'm not the one who's being threatened here. Nobody ever threatens me, and the ones who do end up dead. Now, I would like to introduce the student who came all the way from the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic in France, Fleur Delacour!

Aw, look at how enthusiastic she is to be here, guys! Totally a newcomer, you can't see the pain or trauma in her eyes yet from this school. But you'll see, soon it'll have its place. It is with much dread that I must introduce our next student, Fleur's fiancee from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Cedric Diggory!

HEY, HEY! WHAT'S GOING OOOOON HEEEEERE?!!!!! THERE IS NO, I REPEAT NO CELEBRATING ANYTHING AT THIS SCHOOL WITHOUT MY SAY-SO! YOU DUMB IDIOT, YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO DETENTION AFTER THIS! Dumbass, really thought he could make himself known. I hate having to waste my voice on idiots who aren't worth it. Now, introducing our next student all the way from Peru is none other than the dashing Alexandro Querevalú!

Sorry about that, guys. He's not really much of a talker . . . or mover for that matter. He's really nervous, and as you can see he's staring off into the distance---wait, never mind. He's staring at Fleur's boobs. But never mind that! Moving on, the next new student is the very own Megan Nicole! She is a singer, you guys, and she's very nice and humble and sweet! I got that vibe from her when I kidnapped her and enrolled her here.

See? Look how happy she is! You guys are always going on about how kidnapping is such a huge deal and you shouldn't do it, oh please! You guys are just a bunch of wimps and sissies who can't take it instead of being like Megan here and actually trying to learn something from her captivating experience. Get it? Captivating! HAHAHAAAA! LAUGH YOU IDIOTS!

YES, I KNOW! I'M SO HILARIOUS AND PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?!

You're absolutely right, Cain. Now, I need to move on because I know we would all like to stay on me because of how amazing I am, but unfortunately, if we kept going on about all the incredible things about me, this class would never end, so we need to move on. Besides, I already wrote a book on that. So next student is the fiancee of Megan Nicole, Rubeus Hagrid! The keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts!

Oh, absolutely terrible. Nobody ever does well on their first day, especially not brainless oafs like you. And stop bothering Harry with your stupid questions. I'm going to move on to the next student who ACTUALLY matters, Sergio Ramos! The one and only defender from Real Madrid!

THAT'S RIGHT, SERGIO! YOU FLASH THAT AWESOME CONFIDENCE AND SHOW MY LAME STUDENTS HOW THEY'LL NEVER BE AS COOL AS YOU!

Megan, what's wrong with you? Why do you look so uncomfortable?

OH LOOK AT THAT, SERGIO WANTS YOU TO CALL HIM! AND HE BLEW A KISS, GIRL! YOU'RE OFFICIALLY IN THE GAME!

Oh stop whining, you stupid-ass large piece of crap! What did you think? That you could actually compete with someone as hot as Sergio? NO SIR! 

HAHAAAA, SERGIO IS LAUGHING AT YOUR MISERY! Good job, Sergio. That's the kind of dedication and ambition I want to see in a student. You should all learn from him, he's a great example.

EXCUSE ME, CAIN?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?! YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO SPEAK TO ME IN THAT MANNER, YOU TURD-LIKE IMBECILE! YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A MONTH'S DETENTION! I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT, AND YOU WERE BEING EXTREMELY RUDE! I AM A GOOD INFLUENCE!

You know, it's very sweet of you to apologize, but you're still earning yourself that detention for even speaking to me like that in the first place. No one gets away with that, no matter who you are! Except if you're Che, maybe. He's too hot for me to get mad at him. 

LINDA, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN IN A CHAIR! You've bought yourself detention with Cain, I hope you know. That's a month for you: half of the month for being so rude to us and ME especially, and the other half of the month for getting out of your chair without permission and trying to walk out of the classroom.

Look at Cain wishing you good luck, Linda! He obviously has a thing for you.

Stop acting so disgusted. You better warm up to him now, because you two are going to be spending an awful lot of time in detention together. Isn't that right, Cain? You're sure you like Linda, right? Because detention can become brutal.

Awwww, THAT'S SO SWEET!!!! Anyways, I am going to introduce our last two students before class is dismissed today. First, the beautiful and elegant Ginger Rogers!

And her wacky, idiotic fiancee Fred Astaire!

What the hell is wrong with you, you dump? The air-conditioning system in the school is perfectly satisfactory! Maybe you shouldn't have worn such a thick-ass layered outfit like that! Seriously, the knuckleheads in this school. I gotta go get me some food. 

IS THAT A CIGAR---wait, why am I getting mad? This is Che I'm talking about here, not some worthless student whose life means nothing. You can smoke all you like, I don't care about secondhand smoke that might affect my other students and give them lung cancer. They should stop being pussies and have strong lungs that can withstand that crap. Well anyways, THAT IS THAT AND WE ARE DONE HERE FOR TODAY! And remember you new kids, tread carefully in this school or you might wind up in trouble . . . or in my pool of disintegrating acid. There's no protective fence shielding it, and we've had incidents before. And remember you boys in my class who are interested in girls who are already taken, TAKE WHAT YOU CAN AND GIVE NOTHING BACK! Got it? GOOD! Teacher OUT!