Okay, MAYBE I got myself a Mocha. But who cares? Anniversary time goes on for days, maybe even weeks, maybe even mo-- you know what? I'm not gonna keep stretching it. Oh, and don't you get on me about having classes on Anniversary month! Or is it Halloween month? Again, who cares? Continuing. Today class, we are going to be doing something much more interesting than the usual magical class. And when I say that, I really do mean it. Much, much, MUCH more interesting. It'll blast your mind, it'll astonish you!
I know right? It's going to be SO fun! But it is a surprise. Clara and Jessie can be patient, won't they?
Oh my God, Clara! Oh you okay? Whoops, she's just fainted. I thought she--- wait, why did she faint? Jackson? Don't tell me she dislikes you SO much that even your presence knocked her out. Well, I guess it did. So let's first continue about the fantastic beasts. The newest thing we're going to be learning about are called the Merpeople. Oh, and Grindylows. These two fascinating creatures live in the murky depths below of magical lakes and seas and anywhere that is very deep. Here are some diagrams of them.
Yes, yes, I know. They're so disgusting and ugly and scary. The one on the right is the Grindylow and the one on the left is the Mermaid. Okay, that's all I wanted to say about them. The rest you guys will learn in a different way. This is where the surprise comes in. 1. . .2. . .3. . .
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A TOURNAMENT WHERE STUDENTS HAVE TO SAVE OTHER STUDENTS THAT ARE TRAPPED DEEP UNDERWATER WITH GRINDYLOWS AND MERPEOPLE SURROUNDING THEM IN ONLY 1 HOUR! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
I know right, Ron? This whole thing just suddenly came up in my head last night and I was like, LET'S DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH, BABY!
Hermione, DON'T worry. It's okay, I promise you. If any of you die down there you're going to Heaven, what's there to worry about? Besides the terrible death of getting drowned to the depths by a bunch of scary-as-Satin-himself underwater monsters.
Oh shut up you stupid lard ass! That's just another way of saying "Oh I'm scared as hell and I don't wanna die". This tournament will help you stupid lame-ass dummies learn a lot more about how life works down there in the world of underwater magical beasts. It doesn't matter if any of us die, who cares? You know honestly, I don't think I'll even notice the difference if something is missing.
Why the hell are you eating during class? Only I can do that! Excuse me? Did you ACTUALLY think I was competing in this tournament too? No WAY! I am a teacher, stupid. This is for YOU guys to learn, not me. I know my stuff.
2 + 2? Um, duh. 2 + 2 = 3, everybody knows that! Why are you even asking me this? Stop wasting my time for God's sake! Anyways, while you guys are going to be saving your friends, I will be comfortably sitting up in my warm cozy couch in my office box watching you from a high stand. Oh, and note to everyone: not my friggin' fault if you don't know how to swim. Probably YOUR fault. Ya should have attended swimming class when you had the chances, dumbasses! Okay? So who's ready? We just need to go to a huge lake. Okay, we're here. Now students, I have already decided who's gonna be trapped down there in the lake holding their breath for an hour and who will be the ones to rescue them.
Yeah no, I don't care if you don't want to be one of the people that have to be rescued. I already decided, stupid! Oh, and speaking of that, good news. Well I wouldn't say good news, it depends on your point of view, which I already have assumptions of how you are going to react. You actually are going to be one of the people who get rescued from down under.
Don't you friggin' threaten me with that stupid hook of yours! Now eat this special kind of turnip that allows you to breathe underwater for an hour and also knocks you out. Now jump in, let yourself be taken down by the Merpeople, don't be afraid. They will tie you up and--- UGH! WHATEVER! JUST GET IN YOU STUPID DOGS! ALRIGHT EVERYONE! ALL COMPETITORS, LINE UP!
I see Belle is ready to compete. Remember, you all have to do is find your person you have to save, someone that is important to you. And only ONE person. Remember that. Are you ready, Belle?
Rumple you stupid cowardly emotionally-disturbed moron! You can't tell Belle what to do. And even if she wouldn't go, YOU would still have to. So shut the hell up and get ready, because Wendy will only be down there holding her breath for one hour. One hour only. That hour passes and her breath goes and she's dead. So, you guys can get started. Eat your turnip or gillyweed or whatever and go, I'll just be in my first-class office box watching you guys do your job while I am comfortable in my cozy armchair eating a whole feast my waiters bring me.
Do I care about your lives? Um, no. Obviously! I have better things to worry about. And plus, I don't think anyone will notice if a couple of people drown down there. Okay, NOW GET ON WITH IT, PEOPLE! I WANNA BE ENTERTAINED! YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPLASH!
Okay, I see the competitors all dived in. While that, I'm gonna watch them from this magical mirror. Oh, and while that, I'm gonna order myself an extremely tiny snack to have while I'm watching. I'm on Weight-Watchers, guys. Just got back on my diet today. I worked out on my treadmill for half a minute, isn't that SO much? Aren't you proud of me? I guess you're not, get your fat-ass out of here! WAITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell are you standing there for? Honestly, eyeing me like I'm some kind of rump roast. Oh, wait, I am. For Kili. UGH! What the damn crap blast Old Hob BeJesus is wrong with me? JUST WRITE DOWN MY ORDER YOU CRAP-INFECTED LARD-STUFFED BASTARD CREEP! I would like 5 grilled cheese sandwiches, a 4-part pizza with all different parts, a big plate of iced rolls -- that reminds me, also get me some iced buns. Also one Swedish Princess Cake, all for me, if I find a bite I'll murder you I swear to God this time I will literally catch you before you can run off like all the other waiters do and I'll shoot you with my gun. Continuing, I will also have two Oreo doughnuts, a platter of filled chocolate Oreo doughnuts, a plate of deep fried Oreos, and last but not least, 5 sundaes with the most toppings ever. Actually add 4 more on there. Okay, GET OUT YOU STUPID SATANIC CROOK!
Ugh, God. Anyways, how is the tournament going?
IS THAT HARRY?! YOU IDIOT, STOP FLIPPING OUT OF THE WATER LIKE A DAMN DOLPHIN AND GET YOUR FREAKING JOB DONE BEFORE RON RUNS OUT OF AIR YOU CRAZY RETARDED RUNNING HORSE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Jesus Christ, the nerve in some of these students.
Go, Jack! GO!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!! I can see that a Mermaid is attacking Jack from my mirror! JACK GO, GET ELIZABETH AND GO! THE MERMAID IS COMING AFTER YOU! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YEAH, YOU GO JACK! WOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YOW!
GO EMMA, SAVE HOOK! GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
YES MATTHEW, HURRY! YOU ONLY HAVE 50 MINUTES LEFT! HERMIONE IS STARTING TO LOSE HER BREATH! GET TO HER YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!
KILI, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! NANCY IS DYING DOWN THE---- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kili withoutta shirt. Mama likey. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm--- GAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! GET YOUR HEAD INTO THE GAME, KILI! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Ring bell) Ooh, my food is here! Yaye!
BUUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm good. GUYS, HOW ARE WE DOING HERE?!
MATTHEW! Did you save Hermione? Where is she? Did you accomplish your mission? Did you win?
HERMIONE! YES! You say you're okay? Oh God, I can see that Matthew used the shark charm on himself. Matthew, that's cheating. I don't wanna see that. Only use either gillyweed or the helpful underwater turnip. IS ANYONE ELSE SAFE?
Is that Baelfire still down there looking for one of my waiters? I mean, I don't care if they die or not, I don't give a damn about my waiters. I'm just worried about Bae, and also he's wasting SO much time. Those Merpeople will catch up with him soon and kill him. Sorry, Bae. But I'm not in the mood to get up from my ass.
WENDY! Oh thank God, I thought Bae would take too long. I'm so glad you're okay. But why did Baelfire save you instead of my waiter? He's still down there you know. Whatever, don't save him. He's just a waiter, who cares if he dies? I have a million other waiters in SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD.
Baelfire, I know this is your first time, even though you weren't even supposed to be here in the first place, but I really need you to work on your diving skills. You took like 20 minutes getting 5 feet down. Wendy is still coughing out water. And why did you save her? Rumple was supposed to save her. Is it because you love her? Honestly, Bae. WHO ELSE IS OKAY?! ANYONE HURT?! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MELODY! MELODY! Jim is DROWNING and you are doing nothing but doing elementary backstroke on the surface of the water. You know, this is EXACTLY why I didn't want to resurrect Jim because I knew you wouldn't give a dump damn! STUPID FLIPPING POOP-DUNG LOGS! If Jim gets eaten by the Merpeople next hour, don't come crying to me, you stupid!
REGINA! Did you save Landon? Oh, and guys. Note to you all: that person there is NOT me whatsoever. That's Landon looking at her boo-- WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! OFF-TOPIC HERE, PEOPLE! CONTINUING!
CAMILA! She's still underwater. Oh God, please tell me she's found Ally already. PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP! I NEED A CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE!
SLUUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finished it. GO CAMILA, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YEEEEEEEES!!!! Camila saved all of Fifth Harmony that was trapped down there and they're coming back to shore now. LOOK! They're waving at me! GOOD JOB, CAMILA! GOOD JOB!
ENRIQUE, HURRY UP! ARIANA IS DROWNING DOWN THERE! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! LOOK! A HUGE SWARM OF GRINDYLOWS ARE COMING FOR YOU! WATCH OUT!
ENRIQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes, OH YES! GREAT JOB REMEMBERING WHAT I TAUGHT YOU IN SPELLS CLASS AND USING IT AGAINST THOSE BASTARDS! YOU GO, ENRIQUE! YEAH! OH YEAH, OH YEAH, OH--- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Coughing) Ugh, egh! Guys, I fell into the water! SOMEONE GET ME OUT BEFORE A GRINDYLOW OR SOMETHING COMES FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh look! Ariana is safe! And Enrique saved me and dragged me to the shallow waters where there is no danger. Thank you ever so much, Enrique! I don't know how I could ever return the favor! Oh wait, yes I do. Since I fell in there, my favor to you is that you are allowed to go and get me a whole new chocolate milkshake. I fell in with the one I already had. Too bad, it was SO good.
Um, Enrique? What is Ariana doing to you? WHAT?! She says she wants to give you a token of her gratitude for saving her and being her knight in shining armor? A kiss? NO! NO KISSES HERE, PEOPLE! NOT HERE, NOT NOW, NOWHERE, NO HOW! I FORBID YOU! STOP, STOP IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE'S MY WHIP?! WHERE'S MY----
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GRINDYLOWS ARE ATTACKING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-----------------
EMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDAMN INTELLIGENCE GOBLIN SCORES OF ZERO! I ACCIDENTALLY SET THE GRINDYLOWS OFF ON EMMA! SOMEONE HELP HER, SHE STILL HASN'T FOUND HOOK AND THE GRINDYLOWS ARE DROWNING HER! I CAN'T HELP HER RIGHT NOW, IT'S OF VITAL IMPORTANCE THAT I REACH SHORE TO ORDER A PIÑA COLADAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES, CLARA! SAVE HER! YOU ALREADY ALMOST SAVED YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO WHO ACCIDENTALLY GOT SAVED BY POPKO AND THEN YOU GOT SAVED BY JACKSON! YES, GO SAVE HER! GO BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CLARA, WAIT! IT'S SO DANGEROUS TO DIVE IN THAT WAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!
Hurry guys, I need help getting to shore. I can't do this by myself. I hate surfing so I never do it and now I can't find my way back. Please, the currents are getting stronge---GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! SPLAAAAAAAASH!!!!! Ugh, Jesus made a stupid cocktail of crap and Jehovah didn't like it and threw it away and Jesus was upset and ran off to be alone! This is the 2nd time I've fallen into this ice cold water! I don't wanna get hypothermia! And not to mention I can't even get back on my surfboard by myself. I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!!! ASSISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO, NOT YOU, YOU FREAKING DUMBASS! Oh wait, actually stay. I wanna know what's in that pot. Is it for me?
OH YES! IT'S MY PIÑA COLADA! I'm so glad you overheard me. Thanks so much! Actually wait, no you don't deserve my thanks. I HATE YOU! GET OUT! SHOO! SCRAM! POTOOEY! SLUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!!! Aaaah, nothin' like drifting on the surface of the clean natural water and drinking a nice drink while watching other people suffer with dark underwater sea devils.
Emma? SLUUUUUUUUURP!!!!! What's SLUUUUUUUUURP! Going SLUUUUUUUUUURP! On? SLUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!! Is Hook okay? Cause I see you rescued him there.
Oh no! He's covered in bruises! The Grindylows must have scratched him up! This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Hook! But it's also not my fault that you weren't ready! Someone cover him and let him rest!
Is everyone else okay? I need to make sure!
Okay, Nancy is here. Anyone else?
THORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?! I'M NOT A FRIGGIN' ASS GRINDYLOW! AND WHY ARE YOU GUYS RACING THROUGH THE WATER IN BARRELS?! GET THE HELL ON THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE STAY ON LAND! WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY HERE! THE WATERS ARE TOO DANGEROUS! I'LL FORCE MY ASSISTANTS TO FINISH THE JOB OF SAVING THE OTHERS! SO NO ONE ELSE GO IN, PLEASE!
Stephanie, I am FREAKING serious. Do not disobey me. Someone else can save Fernando and Popko---
STEPHANIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody else stay on land, do not go back in. Those that are already on land, stay and watch after the injured competitors.
Yes Hermione, take care of Harry. He is in a HORRIBLE position right now.
STEPHANIE! You're back, thank God!
What? You say it was so hard to carry two people from down below all the way back up in icy freezing cold waters and fighting a swarm of Grindylows and Mermaids on the way up? Ooh, that sounds harsh. Makes me wanna order a Unicorn Hot Chocolate. SERVIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mmmm, come to Mama. Tasty! Yummy! Delicious! Very fascin--- you know what? I'll just stop with the adjectives. Continuing. Fernando, is he okay? What about Popko?
Um, your welcome, but if you're thanking me about worrying about you, I wasn't. I just wanted to make sure you were okay so then I could whip your ass when you got out of the water. That's for making it so hard to find you, you should have fainted in a better location, it took Stephanie a millennia to find you, you complete stupid asshole! You know, all this makes me wanna give you guys a nice, hearty swimming class. We have never had one before and that's why everyone is so inexperienced and is failing on this test. And yes, this was to test all of you guys on your life-saving skills. P.S Almost all of you didn't pass. By the way, we need to make sure who won. So, 1st place is. . . . . . . JACK SPARROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!! YEAH! Yes I just said that. 2nd place is Matthew. 3rd place is Baelfire, even though Rumple was supposed to save Wendy, it's just that he's so damn slow and took so damn long Baelfire had to do the freaking job for him before she was near death. 4th place is Regina, it's also so incredible how fast she saved him. I'm so proud of her. 5th place is Camila, but she gets a reward not because she's the teacher's pet, but because she managed to save 4 WHOLE people. That's how loyal and strong and brave and courageous she is. Alright now continuing, 6th place is Enrique. He is also going to receive a reward, and this is because he didn't only manage to save Ariana, but ME as well. And me always matters the most. So in return for saving the most important part of SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD, me, he is going to receive a reward for his bravery. Clara is in 7th place and also receives a reward, she wasn't even supposed to save anyone, she was one of the people that were trapped underwater. But after Who failed to save her and Jackson saved her instead and then she went to save Emma who wasn't meant to be saved but had to be anyway, she receives a grand reward too. In 8th place, is Emma Swan. She was supposed to save Hook but got attacked by a Grindylow, saved by Clara Oswald, she still went back in to save Hook. And last but not least, is Stephanie. Who courageously jumped back into the water even though I told her it was too dangerous, and on top of that saved TWO people that she wasn't even supposed to save. She was supposed to save her boyfriend, Robin Hood, who is still down there. But nah, it doesn't matter. I'll send one of my assistants to go down there and fetch him, I'm not planning on risking the life of anyone important with those Grindylows and Merpeople down there still on the loose. So anyway, Stephanie receives a reward too! And the rest of you who were SO late and didn't do a good job, I'm sorry but you don't receive anything and you lost the contest. Sorry, not sorry. Okay! Now Stephanie, take everyone to the hospital and I'll fetch an assistant to get Robin Hood.
I don't CARE if you're afraid of seeing a teeny bit of blood, or if you're afraid of helping the nurses fix Fernando and Popko's scratched feet that the Grindylows scratched. GET OUT OF MA FACE, STUPID! Ugh, what a day! What a class! LEAVE ME ALONE AND GET ME A DRINK! (Snoring. . . . . . .)
YEEEEEEEES!!!! Camila saved all of Fifth Harmony that was trapped down there and they're coming back to shore now. LOOK! They're waving at me! GOOD JOB, CAMILA! GOOD JOB!
ENRIQUE, HURRY UP! ARIANA IS DROWNING DOWN THERE! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! LOOK! A HUGE SWARM OF GRINDYLOWS ARE COMING FOR YOU! WATCH OUT!
ENRIQUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes, OH YES! GREAT JOB REMEMBERING WHAT I TAUGHT YOU IN SPELLS CLASS AND USING IT AGAINST THOSE BASTARDS! YOU GO, ENRIQUE! YEAH! OH YEAH, OH YEAH, OH--- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Coughing) Ugh, egh! Guys, I fell into the water! SOMEONE GET ME OUT BEFORE A GRINDYLOW OR SOMETHING COMES FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh look! Ariana is safe! And Enrique saved me and dragged me to the shallow waters where there is no danger. Thank you ever so much, Enrique! I don't know how I could ever return the favor! Oh wait, yes I do. Since I fell in there, my favor to you is that you are allowed to go and get me a whole new chocolate milkshake. I fell in with the one I already had. Too bad, it was SO good.
Um, Enrique? What is Ariana doing to you? WHAT?! She says she wants to give you a token of her gratitude for saving her and being her knight in shining armor? A kiss? NO! NO KISSES HERE, PEOPLE! NOT HERE, NOT NOW, NOWHERE, NO HOW! I FORBID YOU! STOP, STOP IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE'S MY WHIP?! WHERE'S MY----
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GRINDYLOWS ARE ATTACKING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-----------------
EMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDAMN INTELLIGENCE GOBLIN SCORES OF ZERO! I ACCIDENTALLY SET THE GRINDYLOWS OFF ON EMMA! SOMEONE HELP HER, SHE STILL HASN'T FOUND HOOK AND THE GRINDYLOWS ARE DROWNING HER! I CAN'T HELP HER RIGHT NOW, IT'S OF VITAL IMPORTANCE THAT I REACH SHORE TO ORDER A PIÑA COLADAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES, CLARA! SAVE HER! YOU ALREADY ALMOST SAVED YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO WHO ACCIDENTALLY GOT SAVED BY POPKO AND THEN YOU GOT SAVED BY JACKSON! YES, GO SAVE HER! GO BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CLARA, WAIT! IT'S SO DANGEROUS TO DIVE IN THAT WAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!
Hurry guys, I need help getting to shore. I can't do this by myself. I hate surfing so I never do it and now I can't find my way back. Please, the currents are getting stronge---GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! SPLAAAAAAAASH!!!!! Ugh, Jesus made a stupid cocktail of crap and Jehovah didn't like it and threw it away and Jesus was upset and ran off to be alone! This is the 2nd time I've fallen into this ice cold water! I don't wanna get hypothermia! And not to mention I can't even get back on my surfboard by myself. I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!!!!! ASSISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO, NOT YOU, YOU FREAKING DUMBASS! Oh wait, actually stay. I wanna know what's in that pot. Is it for me?
OH YES! IT'S MY PIÑA COLADA! I'm so glad you overheard me. Thanks so much! Actually wait, no you don't deserve my thanks. I HATE YOU! GET OUT! SHOO! SCRAM! POTOOEY! SLUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!!! Aaaah, nothin' like drifting on the surface of the clean natural water and drinking a nice drink while watching other people suffer with dark underwater sea devils.
Emma? SLUUUUUUUUURP!!!!! What's SLUUUUUUUUURP! Going SLUUUUUUUUUURP! On? SLUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!! Is Hook okay? Cause I see you rescued him there.
Oh no! He's covered in bruises! The Grindylows must have scratched him up! This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Hook! But it's also not my fault that you weren't ready! Someone cover him and let him rest!
Is everyone else okay? I need to make sure!
Okay, Nancy is here. Anyone else?
THORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?! I'M NOT A FRIGGIN' ASS GRINDYLOW! AND WHY ARE YOU GUYS RACING THROUGH THE WATER IN BARRELS?! GET THE HELL ON THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE STAY ON LAND! WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY HERE! THE WATERS ARE TOO DANGEROUS! I'LL FORCE MY ASSISTANTS TO FINISH THE JOB OF SAVING THE OTHERS! SO NO ONE ELSE GO IN, PLEASE!
Stephanie, I am FREAKING serious. Do not disobey me. Someone else can save Fernando and Popko---
STEPHANIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody else stay on land, do not go back in. Those that are already on land, stay and watch after the injured competitors.
Yes Hermione, take care of Harry. He is in a HORRIBLE position right now.
STEPHANIE! You're back, thank God!
What? You say it was so hard to carry two people from down below all the way back up in icy freezing cold waters and fighting a swarm of Grindylows and Mermaids on the way up? Ooh, that sounds harsh. Makes me wanna order a Unicorn Hot Chocolate. SERVIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mmmm, come to Mama. Tasty! Yummy! Delicious! Very fascin--- you know what? I'll just stop with the adjectives. Continuing. Fernando, is he okay? What about Popko?
Um, your welcome, but if you're thanking me about worrying about you, I wasn't. I just wanted to make sure you were okay so then I could whip your ass when you got out of the water. That's for making it so hard to find you, you should have fainted in a better location, it took Stephanie a millennia to find you, you complete stupid asshole! You know, all this makes me wanna give you guys a nice, hearty swimming class. We have never had one before and that's why everyone is so inexperienced and is failing on this test. And yes, this was to test all of you guys on your life-saving skills. P.S Almost all of you didn't pass. By the way, we need to make sure who won. So, 1st place is. . . . . . . JACK SPARROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!! YEAH! Yes I just said that. 2nd place is Matthew. 3rd place is Baelfire, even though Rumple was supposed to save Wendy, it's just that he's so damn slow and took so damn long Baelfire had to do the freaking job for him before she was near death. 4th place is Regina, it's also so incredible how fast she saved him. I'm so proud of her. 5th place is Camila, but she gets a reward not because she's the teacher's pet, but because she managed to save 4 WHOLE people. That's how loyal and strong and brave and courageous she is. Alright now continuing, 6th place is Enrique. He is also going to receive a reward, and this is because he didn't only manage to save Ariana, but ME as well. And me always matters the most. So in return for saving the most important part of SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD, me, he is going to receive a reward for his bravery. Clara is in 7th place and also receives a reward, she wasn't even supposed to save anyone, she was one of the people that were trapped underwater. But after Who failed to save her and Jackson saved her instead and then she went to save Emma who wasn't meant to be saved but had to be anyway, she receives a grand reward too. In 8th place, is Emma Swan. She was supposed to save Hook but got attacked by a Grindylow, saved by Clara Oswald, she still went back in to save Hook. And last but not least, is Stephanie. Who courageously jumped back into the water even though I told her it was too dangerous, and on top of that saved TWO people that she wasn't even supposed to save. She was supposed to save her boyfriend, Robin Hood, who is still down there. But nah, it doesn't matter. I'll send one of my assistants to go down there and fetch him, I'm not planning on risking the life of anyone important with those Grindylows and Merpeople down there still on the loose. So anyway, Stephanie receives a reward too! And the rest of you who were SO late and didn't do a good job, I'm sorry but you don't receive anything and you lost the contest. Sorry, not sorry. Okay! Now Stephanie, take everyone to the hospital and I'll fetch an assistant to get Robin Hood.
I don't CARE if you're afraid of seeing a teeny bit of blood, or if you're afraid of helping the nurses fix Fernando and Popko's scratched feet that the Grindylows scratched. GET OUT OF MA FACE, STUPID! Ugh, what a day! What a class! LEAVE ME ALONE AND GET ME A DRINK! (Snoring. . . . . . .)
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