Oh no, don't get nervous, Valerian. You don't have to worry, for today's class I will be exhibiting magical creatures that are NOT dangerous in ANY way WHATSOEVER! At least . . . . . I don't think they are. But ya never know! I could always be proved wrong. But let's not dwell on the bad things and focus on the good ones, okay? Okay! So line up class, we're gonna be taking a look at a variety of different magical creatures and each of you will get a chance to see them up close, examine them, sketch them, and write some information about them.
ONE LINE, ONE LINE, PEOPLE! Jesus, these people don't know a goddamn thing about organization. Now, let's start off with the first creature.
Hello there, little one! Everyone, this is known as a-----who would like to answer? Does anyone in this pack of dumb-asses know what this creature is classified as?
You're RIGHT, Joel! It is called a Pygmy Puff. Time for you guys to take some notes, because I'm about to tell you a bit about Pygmy Puffs. Pygmy Puffs resemble little fluffy balls that roll around, squeak and come in various shades of pink and purple. They are very much like their cousins, Puffskeins, but Puffskeins are greater in size and tend to come in more dull colors, like brown. They are extremely shy creatures and you very rarely hear them make sounds, so their mating calls are not known nor how they reproduce. Little is known about Pygmy Puffs, but quick fun-fact: Pygmy Puffs have been known to sing on Boxing Day. Take note of this: Boxing Day is on December 26, so every year on December 26 is the only time you'll ever hear a Pygmy Puff sing. We should all gather together this upcoming December 26 and hear the Pygmy Puff sing. I mean, it probably can't live up to how I sing, but honestly no one can, so that's not a pedestal. Now, would anyone like to tell me what a group of Puffskeins or Pygmy Puffs are called?
Charli, get off your phone! Here, give it to me. My assistant will throw it in the trash along with gasoline and ignite the trash just so you learn your lesson. But on the bright side, you were correct with the answer to my question. A group of Puffskeins or Pygmy Puffs are called a poffle. WAIT! I have to interrupt the class to make an important announcement: there are some last-minute students who just arrived, luckily just in time before our assistants put away the Pygmy Puff so they can see it too! Students, say hello to our first student: Golshifteh Farahani!
Hello there, Golshifteh! You seem really happy to be here, and I'm happy to have you. I'm sure you've heard great things about SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! And here is her thing that she calls a fiancee, Verne!
Ugh, he's so gross. HEY, DON'T YOU DARE WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD COOKIE TO COVER YOUR AGUACATES! ASSISTANTS, TAKE HIM TO THE TORTURE CHAMBER RIGHT THE FUCK NOW FOR VIOLATING TERMS OF CONDUCT AND SHOWING UP NAKED! Jesus, he just came to this school and he's already getting beaten on the first day. Anyways, let's get past that. Next student is Kinsey Locke!
HEY, watch the language! But anyways, don't act so surprised. Beating and torturing are two activities that will be happening very often at this school so I hope you know what you signed up for, because if you don't watch out, you might be experiencing it very soon. Here is her fiancee that is a complete piece of shit and I don't know why the hell she is engaged to him, RJ!
What, that you're a piece of shit? Please, you should've known it from the first moment you looked at your reflection. You know it's true, you don't deserve Kinsey. Continuing, the next student to introduce is Prince Royce!
Hello there, Prince Royce! Guys, just an FYI, his real name is Geoffrey Royce Rojas, so we're just gonna call him Royce.
Oh look at that, he's looking at Kinsey there.
Come on, Kinsey! He's obviously SO in love with you, and you better accept it! He is hot and way better for you than RJ, which you must've been drunk when you got engaged to him. You will NOT show disrespect to Royce and he is allowed to like you, so therefore you must like him back! Now, putting forceful relationships aside, the next students I will have the great honor to introduce are two FBI agents who came all the way from Washington D.C. just to be here! Students, say hello to Dana Scully!
And this is her tasteless fiancee, Fox Mulder.
Ugh, piece of straight-up shit. Anyways, here is another student that I would like to introduce who is in a seemingly frozen position because he is very shy but he told me that he fancies Dana, his name is Geronimo.
Dana, stop looking at him like that. There are people who are just shy because they are and they do not like to socialize but that doesn't mean we have to hate on them. I think we a society should get past not liking frozen people and discriminating against them. Anyways, you'll have to warm up to Geronimo because he's got quite the thing for you and I don't think it's going away any time soon. Now, LET'S GET BACK TO THE CLASS! Before you guys came in, we were observing a magical creature known as a Pygmy Puff, and here it is just so you guys can see it and know what it looks like.
He's adorable, isn't he? I named him Arnold. Now, I let my students in on a little lecture about Pygmy Puffs before you guys came in and they took notes, so just ask around so you can get the notes as well and copy therm down so you have them. As I previously mentioned before the other students arrived, Pygmy Puffs come in a variety of bright colors. This is another one we have, but this one is female, as Arnold is obviously male. Here she is, guys!
This one's name is Fluffy, and she is more confident when it comes to meeting new people and not as shy as Arnold. Arnold actually belongs to Ginny, one of our students here. She is a really old student, a SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD veteran, so you might not exactly remember her.
Aw, see? Arnold is less shy when he's with his owner. Now, as cute as Pygmy Puffs are and I know we would all like to look and pet them all day, we're moving on to the next creature. Ladies and gentleman, these next creatures are nature spirits and are very extremely fragile as well as easily startled and frightened so try not to make any sudden or loud noises. It was very hard to get them to come out of hiding, so I don't want them to go back in and if any student causes them to, I'LL BEAT THEM UP! Shhh, guys! Be quiet, I said! Now, here they are.
Aren't they beautiful, guys? They are just a magnificent sight, and they are very rare and hard to find, so be lucky you guys had this opportunity to actually get to see them up close and observe them. Now, who knows what these wonderful creatures are called?
YOU'RE RIGHT, GOLSHIFTEH! Oops, I forgot: no yelling. I see you brushed up on your volumes of magical creatures that were assigned as summer reading for new students who were coming to SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD for the next semester. Dazzling in color and about the size of large insects, sprites have glistening membranous wings. In fact, they are often confused with exotic insects or flowers at first glance. Now, there are a few things you should learn about sprites, and take notes, guys. Considered by many to be the most common type of faerie, sprites prefer to live in deep woods and make their homes high in the branches of trees. They particularly love to live in forests inhabited by treefolk and other fey. If sprites are spotted, you can be sure you are in an area with a high concentration of faerie activity. Sprites travel in swarms and will bite if provoked. At night their bodies give off a faint glow allowing them to be mistaken for fireflies. These, along with other flying insects and small birds, they are often fond of riding. Petals and blooms missing from healthy plants may be due to sprites plucking them for clothing. Sprites also cause plants to bloom in the middle of winter and are the nurturers of the strange fruits faeries delight in. In forests filled with sprites, you may find the hollowed-out acorns they use as cups, as well as dandelion-tuft mattresses and hats made from folded leaves. Sprites harvest these special types of red berries that cannot grow anywhere else but in enchanted forests, and can only grow under special conditions that only sprites know, which is why they are only eaten by sprites. Now, would anyone like to tell me the catch that comes with these berries?
YOU'RE RIGHT, BABE-A-LICIOUS! Um, I mean Richard. Anyways, let's ignore my error of grammar and explain why Richard is right. The berries are the entire diet of a sprite, and as Richard explained, they eat nothing else, which is why if any other matter of living being consumes the berries, that will become the only food they can eat for the rest of their life. So don't eat the berries, guys. Even if the sprites suggest them, unless you wanna be stuck eating them for the rest of your life. I mean I ate them at one point, but I didn't have to pay the horrible price because I'm me. But you're not me and not nearly as amazing and spiritual, so you guys CAN'T eat the berries. These are the berries, guys! Come close and take a look, and remember, if you eat them, ETERNAL BERRY EATING FOR THE REST OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIFE. Alright, I think you guys get the point. Here they are.
They're so tiny just holding one between your sausage fingers (not me, I have beautiful fingers, and not Richard either) could burst them.
FLYNN, WHAT THE FUCK?! DID YOU JUST BURST A BERRY AFTER I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO?! DO YOU KNOW HOW RARE THOSE BERRIES ARE AND HOW HARD IT IS FOR THE SPRITES TO HARVEST THEM?! For that, I'm gonna have to whip you. Wait, what am I saying? My assistants do the dirty work. Mother Gothel, get your ass over here and teach Flynn a lesson for squashing rare magical berries.
Don't worry about him, guys. I'll just use the Lazarus to bring him back after this. Let's just hope it's in the right condition, because it had a massive malfunction after I used it to bring back Mike after he got sacrificed. Now, let's move on to the next magical creature. These types of magical creatures are not just spotted by any normal person and have actually been deemed by some to not exist, but that's because they can only be seen by a certain group of people. Would anyone like to tell me what kind of magical creature we are dealing with here?
You are correct, Laureline. Class, as Laureline stated, we are dealing with a species of magical creature called Thestrals. As I mentioned before, what is it that does not allow them to be seen by a great deal of people?
RIGHT YOU ARE, ERICK! The reason why a lot of people cannot see Thestrals is because the only people who can see them are people who have seen death. Thanks to me and all the killing that I have done in this school, you guys will all be able to see the Thestrals and observe them. You better thank me and be grateful, because if it hadn't been for me, you guys wouldn't know what Thestrals would look like. So here they are!
They are actually very peaceful creatures and react kindly to people who are kind to them, so don't be afraid of coming up close and giving them a little pat. They are very friendly creatures! Oh look, there's the baby! I called her Sweetie.
Hello there, baby! Isn't she adorable? Now, as usual, I'm gonna let you guys in on a little lecture about Thestrals and their background. Like always, remember to take notes. The Thestral is a breed of winged horse with a skeletal body, face with reptilian features, and wide, leathery wings that resemble a bat's. They are native to the British Isles and Ireland, though they have been spotted in parts of France and the Iberian Peninsula. They are very rare, and are considered dangerous by the British Ministry of Magic, which I personally think is stupid and unnecessary because they are sweethearts. And yes, add that little rant of mine to your notes. Thestrals are, undeservedly, known as omens of misfortune and aggression by many wizards because they are visible only to those who have witnessed death at least once or due to their somewhat grim, gaunt and ghostly appearance. Due to Thestrals' classification as XXXX, only experienced wizards (or Rubeus Hagrid, one of the ground-keepers here at SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD) should try to handle them. Breeding as well as owning these beasts may be discouraged or even illegal without Ministry consent; in fact, wizards that live in areas not protected against Muggles are forced by law to perform Disillusionment Charms on their Thestrals regularly. Guys, take your turns to all get a look at the Thestrals because we need to move on to the next creatures. Now, these next creatures are aquatic and Equestrian. Trust me, when you see them, you will be amazed like you have never been before. Here they are!
Well hello there, baby! I call him Rainbow, for obvious reasons. Who would like to go ahead and take a gander at what this creature is called?
CORRECTAMANGO, RJ! It is called a Hippocampus but can also be called a Hippocamp or Hippokampos, which is the Greek way to write it. The plural is Hippocampi. Hippocampi are creatures that from the waist up have the body of a horse and from the waist down, have silvery fish bodies, with glistening scales and rainbow tail-fins. They were used to draw Poseidon's chariot and seafoam was created by their movement. The Hippocampus is an omnivorous animal and it therefore eats a mixture of plant and animal matter, which it does by sucking the food into its body through its elongated snout. The Hippocampus primarily feeds on brine shrimp, plankton, tiny species of fish and algae. The reason why they have only been sighted here in SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD or in natural areas that have not been disrupted by human activity is because pollution and the presence of fossil fuels can alter the anatomy of a Hippocampus, hence why they try and stay away from all that. Anyways, moving on to our next and LAST creature, but CERTAINLY not LEAST. I think you guys might find this to be your favorite one because he is straight-up adorable. Careful though, guy quite the reputation to be a thief. So here is the creature!
Isn't he just the cutest thing you've EVER SEEN?! After careful consideration, I've decided to name him Leonard. And I see he's already stolen someone's bracelet. It's probably someone I could give less of a shit about, so I don't care. Nifflers are rodent-like creatures with a long snout similar to that of a platypus and a coat of black, fluffy fur. Native to Britain, they live in burrows as deep as twenty feet below ground, and females produce six to eight young in a single litter. A Niffler's pouch can hold numerous items. Nifflers have a pouch on their bellies which can hold far more than at first seemed possible, like the effects of an Undetectable Extension Charm on a container. Nifflers are gentle by nature and could even be affectionate towards their owners. However, they can destroy belongings looking for sparkly objects, and for that reason it is inadvisable to keep them as a house pet, but I still have one anyways because NO ONE tells me what to do. It has also been implied that they could turn vicious if provoked, as a Niffler that I once released into my assistant, Dolores Umbridge's office apparently tried to take a chunk out of her leg. They are attracted to shiny things, which makes them wonderful for locating treasure, but that also means that they could wreak havoc if kept (or set loose) indoors. Nifflers in general are usually harmless. They---hey, HEY! THE NIFFLER JUST STOLE A SHIT TON OF STUFF FROM MY DESK! ASSISTANT, EMPTY LEONARD OUT RIGHT NOW! THAT IS VERY VALUABLE STUFF THAT HE JUST STOLE!
Oh my god, he just tried to steal all the money from my bank account that I have here in a vault in SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! How the hell did he even get in there in the first place? Newt, just put him away. He's caused enough trouble in three minutes than I've ever caused in my entire life, which I haven't, because I'm practically perfect in every way. Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this class and took notes because if you didn't, there is a MUNDO beating coming your way. Study because next class, you have a REAL quiz and on top of that, your homework is to write a 100-word paragraph explaining which magical creature you preferred out of all the ones you saw and why, using evidence from your notes to support your answer. Okay, TEACHER OUT!
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