ALEX! First of all, I do NOT approve of you taking off your bra in my CLASSROOM! Like what the hell, you stupid-ass? Like I'm not hosting a nightclub here, this is a fuckin' CLASS and you're just stripping down and making yourself at home. Anyway, what were you saying? Oh yeah. Did everyone hear what Alex said before I took out my temper on her? Alex, who is undoubtedly smart, said that a healing incantation is a kind of spell that can heal someone. It's not rocket science, people. So, Rapunzel here will demonstrate because she has a magical gift that allows her to do so. Who's willing to get hurt here so she can heal you? If no one raises their hand, I will pick someone out by myself.
Why did everyone suddenly become quiet and look extremely scared? I don't understand why you guys aren't absolutely HONORED to be harmed for the sake of EDUCATION. I mean, didn't you hear about those kids in those 3rd-world countries who cross mountains to be able to attend school? You guys are a bunch of PUSSIES, honestly. I know who I'm picking, it's over. Flynn, I'm sorry, but you're the Chosen One. Ugh, why I am saying sorry? There's nothing to be sorry about. Flynn, get your ass over here! SLICE! There I cut your hand. Whatever you do, don't freak OUT.
You bet you're not. Now, Rapunzel, get your rump over here and heal him. Everybody, WATCH!
WATCH, WATCH, WAAAAAAAAAAATCH! Sorry guys, it's just I love magic. AND screaming. Alright, Flynn, show us your hand.
LOOK! It's healed. Also, Rapunzel is right: shut the fuck up, Flynn. Aren't you guys all impressed? And there is a special song called the "Healing Incantation" that I will teach to all of you in case one of you ever gets hurt and there's no one around to help. Everybody, listen:
Flower, gleam and glow
Let your power shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine
Heal what has been hurt
Change the Fates' design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine
What once was mine
NICE?! Right? So I want to memorize that song by next class and then each and every one of you will go up on the stage and perform it, I don't give a shit if you have stage fright you're still doing it. Also, I want it copied down on a piece of paper with PINK INK. If it's not pink you're dead. Alright, so, would anyone like to throw a guess at where this magic came from? The one in Rapunzel's hair?
EXCUSE me? What the hell did you just say, Janhvi? That you don't give 2 shits about my class? Well guess WHAT! YOU just happen to be in SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD, so you WILL pay respect to the school and most importantly, to ME. And because of your attitude, I am just going to have to make Daniel sit next to you. Would you like that, Daniel?
OOOOH, YES! He's DEFINITELY up for it, because of course, we all know he has a thing for you, Janhvi. HAHA!
What the HELL did you just say about Daniel, young lady? I swear to GOD, if another peep comes out of your mouth I will have him crane kick you and then you'll wake up naked. Sorry, it's just, I get really mad at my students, especially the girls, and I have to intimidate them in order for them to respect the boys here. Anyway, who wants to answer the question I asked about where the hell the magic from Rapunzel's hair came from? Johnny?
What? You don't know what the FUCK the answer is? Well I hope you were paying attention during class, you complete stupid-ass! Because so help you if you weren't--- sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself here. I might just order a sundae if my blood pressure gets too high with these kids here. Does anyone have a freaking answer? There is no RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER IF I DIDN'T SAY THAT THE FIRST TIME, YOU'RE ONLY GUESSING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
FINALLY! YES! Chris answered the question! Oh yeah, I'm calling her Chris now, no Ali, sorry. Ali doesn't stick, plus Chris is her middle name, soooo, yeah. And your prediction is actually right, Chris! Did everyone hear what she just said? She said that the magic from Rapunzel's hair comes from a small golden droplet of sun that fell from the sky a long time ago and landed in the grounds of Corona. From there, a beautiful golden flower sprouted, it had the divine powers of healing and of making one younger and more youthful. Also, I have one here, I stole it from a secret museum a few months back but I don't think they noticed. If they did I'm probably on the news right now for committing a criminal act and they're probably searching for me but what the fuck do I care? SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD is so well hidden no one in the goddamn world can find it unless I fucking WANT them to! Okay, anyway, here it is.
Isn't it a complete BEAUT? So yeah, if you sing that special healing incantation that me and Rapunzel taught to you then it will perhaps make you younger or heal you. But if you touch it then I will kill you. It is extremely fragile and you probably, most likely do not deserve it and are not worthy of it like I am. Rapunzel gave it to me and that's it. Right, Rapunzel? Hey, goldie, are you even fuckin' listening to me?
HEY! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BANGING FLYNN LIKE THAT WITH THE PAN?! Actually never mind, he deserved it. Thank you for doing that actually, he was falling asleep in my class. Flynn, just know, after class today, I want you to come to my office, I'm going to flog you for disrespecting me today by falling asleep. Okay continuing! So, now we are going to move on to this pre-quiz I created for everyone to start off the year. If you don't complete it in time I will tear up your paper and slap you and kick you off your chair. Here's the quiz, GET STARTED! 10 MINUTES, GO, GO, GO!
ALRIGHT! I'm just going to watch guys fail while I'm going to EAT. ASSISTAAAAANT!!!!
WHY DON'T YOU HURRY THE HELL UP AND GET YOUR FUCKIN FAT ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I TAKE THE WHIP OUT ON YOU AND END YOUR GODFORSAKEN, DISGUSTING-ASS LIFE?! Ugh, honestly, these good-for-nothing assistants should be fired, but I won't, because I'm too lazy to do it. Oh YES! Look at THIS!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!! What do you say, you stupid-ass assistant? Adriano Zumbo HIMSELF delivered this Lovenbouche personally to ME? SEE, PEOPLE?! See how AWESOME I am? Even ZUMBO knows who I am. If he meets you he will probably throw up at how ugly you are, no offense. Actually, yes, offense was intended. MUNCH, MUNCH, SWALLOW! I'm done. Take the plate away before I kill you. WHIP CRACK! Okay, he's gone. That asshole almost made me want to strangle myself. OKAY! Are you dumb poops done yet? I think you've had MORE than enough time!
You're done? DRE'S DONE! Who else? Give me your paper, Dre. See? Dre is setting an example for ALL OF YOU. He finished on time and yet I see distressed faces. HELLOOOO! GIVE ME YOUR MOTHERFREAKING PAPERS RIGHT THIS INSTANT OR I WILL TEAR THEM UP AND BEAT YOU UP LIKE I PREVIOUSLY SAID I WOULD!
Um, excuse me? Are you giving me SASS there, Bertram? If I say to give me your paper you WILL. You're just lucky I'm not feeling aggressive today otherwise you'd be on the floor right now, unconscious. Alright, I've collected everyone's papers. Let's see how everyone did. Don't be nervous, guys. I believe in you and that you did well. I know you all got As. Don't worry, I will only severely beat you up if you got anything lower than an A.
What is it? Daniel? Don't tell that you're not sure about how you did. Also, it's not my fault that we haven't covered any of that material that was on the quiz yet. In my school, there's this belief we have where you secretly already know all the material but you need to learn it in order for it to rise from you if you get what I mean. So that means you already knew all the material but failed on PURPOSE! Get ready, a storm's coming for you.
Oh. My. WOOOORD! I'm looking through all these papers and I'm seeing a few As from Rapunzel, Chris, Janhvi, Samantha, Alex, Victoria, and Moon. But the REST OF YOU, OH MY GOD! Why did you all FAIL?! Because of this, you are all going to endure a punishment. Johnny, since you got the worst grade, basically a failure, come here. PUNCH!
Well, don't look at me like THAT. You had it coming, you knew this was going to happen if you failed my quiz. Daniel, come here, you're next. SLAM!
I know it hurts. And I don't feel bad for you. So yeah. STUDENTS, let this be an example of what happens to you if you fail my quizzes from now on or any material that is given to you in any class. So yeah, study up and pay attention to my lectures or you'll become like the living examples of Johnny and Daniel.
WELL THAT'S YOUR FAULT FOR GETTING AN F ON MY EASY-AS-HELL QUIZ, YA STUPID LUMP OF POOP! And because you broke down crying like a wimp and yelled at my assistant standing there next to you AND me, I shall have to punch you as well. Sorry, it's business, no, it's SCHOOL. I'M the authority here and you are the lowly low-life piece of doodoo that's supposed to respect ME! PUNCH! There we go, my Asian-ass assistant punched you for me because I was too lazy to use my own hand and now you have a black eye like Johnny and Daniel. Don't cry, you deserve it.
Okay, everyone who failed LINE UP! You're all going to be punched as well.
Nice one. My assistant just punched Demetri for getting a fat C on my quiz. Alright, so while my assistants are beating up all the people who failed, I'm going to start the very first lecture of the year. Today I already gave you guys a little head-start on the Healing Incantation, don't forget your assignment that's due next class, by the way, just to remind you all. Anyways, continuing, next up, we will be learning about the love potion, Amortentia. Can anyone tell me what the hell it is? It was on your pre-quiz which by the way, for those of you who failed and are wailing right now from all the pain that my assistants have loaded on you from their extreme punches, the right answer to that question was D: ALL OF THE ABOOOOVE!!!!! Okay, anyway, so like I asked, can anyone DARE to tell me what the fuck the Amortentia potion is?
Oh thank you for looking up the definition, Alex. I can see you're already diving into the book of Magic. Because you were so efficient in your studies, I'm giving you a free A. AND NOBODY START COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I ONLY GIVE OUT FREE A'S IF I SEE THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DIVING INTO THE WORK AND FINDING INTEREST IN IT! Anyway, Alex, what is the definition you found of the Amortentia potion because I hope you don't expect ME to tell you what it is. I don't have to tell you everything just because I'm a teacher, so don't expect me to or I will end you. So, what is it, young lady?
THAT'S CORRECT! Hey, did everyone hear what she just fucking SAID? HEY! I said LISTEN! Do you want me to flog you? I said PAY ATTENTION and FORGET ABOUT THE PAIN FROM ALL THE BEATINGS YOU GUYS JUST ENDURED!
MIGUEL! Don't give my assistant ATTITUDE! He's just trying to explain to you what I'm struggling to put into WORDS. Basically, what my assistant just said is that ALL OF YOU need to start cooperating and learning how to deal with pain because I WILL be inflicting it on you throughout the whole year if you do not start doing the shit I tell you to do, GOT IT?! Okay it looks like you got it. Alright, are we all listening?
So Alex said that the Amortentia is the most powerful love potion in the world. It is distinctive for its mother-of-pearl sheen, and steam rises from the potion in spirals. Amortentia smells different to each person, according to what attracts them. So basic description: Amortentia is the most powerful love potion in existence. I'm pretty sure if I bring that potion in this room there will be a lot of, um, unpredictable love going on in here.
Hey Chris, would you please do me a favor because I'm too lazy to do it myself? So I need you to open up that closet right there and get something that looks like a boiling cauldron. If you drop it, I will throw a book at you, and trust me, that is NOT the worst I can do. So go ahead, do it.
LOOK! Chris found it, everyone! I can see you're admiring it. So I brought in Hermione to demonstrate to us how Amortentia works because I don't think any of you losers are ready to handle it yet. Hermione has handled it before so she can fuckin do it. HERMIONE! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE AND DEMONSTRATE IT ALREADY!!!
Yes, we KNOW that one. Demonstrate, please?
You smell fuckin SPEARMINT TOOTHPASTE? What the hell is THAT supposed to tell us? You know who I think it is? I think I got it. I pinpointed it. It's not Ron, is it? It's BECK!
I know, RIGHT?! AREN'T YOU COMPLETELY SHOCKED?! I KNEW she had it in for you, Beck, I just KNEW IT! I can ALWAYS predict true love! Oh, is Ariana jealous? I definitely know she likes you as well, doesn't she?
Don't even TRY to hide it, you two! I know that you both are secretly completely OBSESSED and IN LOVE with Beck just like he is in love with you guys. And also, I don't give 5 shits about what Stanley and Ron will think about this. Fuck them, honestly. If you ask me, I think the Hermeckiana ship will FLY like there's no tomorrow. Also, for those who do not know about my ship club, Hermeckiana stands for Hermione + Beck + Ariana. If Ron comes running in here, don't worry, I'll put him out. Same for Stanley. Okay, back to the lesson. Who wants to go next? Don't be scared. I'm not going to ship you off with someone you do not want to be with, even though that's probably what will happen. HAH! Okay. Since people in this class seem to have a problem with volunteering and are incapable of doing so, I will pick someone myself. Actually, you know what? No one needs to volunteer anymore. From now on, I'm going to pick people myself. I'm picking YOU, Akhmenrah! GO, GET YOUR ASS OVER THERE!
What did you say? You smell LA beaches and rose perfume? Lemme guess. It's Chris, isn't it?
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FAINTING?! OBVIOUSLY I can see the lack of RESPECT in this class! You guys are no doubt the WORST class I have ever had! You know what? I'll leave this for another time. The only thing I will do now is perform a simple charm. Now watch closely because I will most definitely NOT do it again. This is an incantation to create flowers. Not like the healing one, just normal flowers. You have to say two words, memorize them because I will NOT say them again and they will most likely be on a quiz and remember that failing quizzes = whipped to unconsciousness. So these are the two words: Flos volant! Oh! It worked already! Look you douche-wads!
See? Rapunzel is PROUD of me! I'm better than ALL OF YOU! So, write down those two words. If you forgot, too bad, get ready for a beating next class. If you remembered, good for you. So remember: bring the assignment of the copied Healing Incantation lines and memorize the two words which you think I'm dumb enough to repeat but I won't. ALRIGHT, CLASS DISMISSED, BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, this is the first time I went through a whole class without ordering something. I am NOT proud of myself. You would expect me to say that class time is for teaching and learning, but WRONG! You're wrong there. It's about eating. Okay, BYE!
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