Don't even TRY to come up with excuses! You all remember what the homework was, right? It was to bring the copied Healing Incantation lines and memorize the two words: Flos volant! from the spell that casts normal flowers everywhere! You guys are a hopeless cause! Is there ANYONE who did the homework? And also by the way, don't think this isn't an excuse to get up on the stage and sing the Healing Incantation. If you copied it or not, it doesn't matter. I will give you a paper to read off and then I will whip you afterwards for not bringing the homework. Sound good? Okay, I think we're all on the same page here. Alright! Now who ACTUALLY brought the homework?
Oh YES! I can ALWAYS count on YOU, Hermione! See everyone? Unlike all of you losers, Hermione sets a good example for this class, a worldly one in fact. I like this. Your handwriting is absolutely SPLENDID, Hermione! And recite the words of the flower charm please!
CORRECT! It IS Flos volant! Honestly, I cannot express in words what a good student you are, Hermione. You are outstanding, perfect, brilliant, just, amazing! Oh look! Hermione made it rain flowers!
See everyone? The point of this exercise of memorizing the words of this incantation is to see if you are capable of even CONDUCTING the spell. Okay, so Hermione gets an 100%. Now, let's see Hermione sing the Healing Incantation on the stage.
CLAP, CLAP, CLAP! AMAZING! I'M IN COMPLETE AWE! GOOD JOB, HERMIONE! A+++++++++++++++++++!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hermione is the TOP STUDENT! Now I'm gonna pick out someone who is a complete FAILURE. Remember, there's no more of that volunteering shit, it's either that I pick you and if you refuse you're dead. Okay, I pick Miguel El Dorado!
A bit of a SHOW-OFF, but sure, you get an A! Now, before anyone else goes I would like everyone to experience the true Healing Incantation song sung by Rapunzel herself. EVERYBODY LISTEN OR I'LL WHIP YOU!
WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wasn't that just ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE????!!!! You guys should be AMAZED, because I sure am! Alright, I'll embarrass you guys later with all the singing. Right now I want to move on to the next lesson, which is Magical Creatures! GET READY, PEOPLE! These are FIERCE!
Oh you want to know what I mean? I mean that I'm bringing in all kinds of extremely dangerous, life-threatening magical creatures that we will be studying but NOT running experiments on, we're not barbarians, COME ON! So, everyone stay glued to your seats--- actually you know what? Because I don't trust you guys staying in your seats the second this creature walks into the room, I'm gluing you in myself.
It's okay, guys. Just hold on. Let me bring it in, it's pretty big, the creature is.
HERE IT IS! THE YETI! I trekked all the way to the Himalayas to fetch this guy. Believe me, HAH, he was NOT happy when I took him out of his cave. But here he is now, so you can say hi to him because we'll all be good friends soon since I forced him to agree to let us study him! He's actually related to Bigfoot and his long line to siblings: the Sasquatch and the Yowie. Say hi, everyone!
HEY, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP BEING MEAN TO THE YETI! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT HIM, CHRIS?! HE'S NOT FUCKING WITH YOU! AND ZUKO! I KNOW YOU'RE HOT BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP ME FROM ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU HURT THE YETI'S FEELINGS EVEN THOUGH HE HAD TO RIDE IN THE COLD BELLY OF AN AIRPLANE FOR HOURS ALL THE WAY FROM THE HIMALAYAS! SO SHOW HIM RESPEEEEEEEEECT!!!!!!!!
Well don't give me THAT face! What did you EXPECT me to do? I'm the Yeti's PROTECTOR! Actually, he's mine, I'm WAY too lazy to protect ANYONE! Now that we're back on track, I'm going to show you a sample of Yeti fur that I plucked from him while he was sleeping. Don't worry, he didn't feel a THING! At least I don't think he did. Of course, he woke up in pain with a blood patch because I only realized AFTERWARDS that I plucked WAY more than I initially intended to. HAHAHA! We can all laugh about it now, can't we? Except for the Yeti, who has in fact, lost a lot of blood!
SEE? All of you get your microscopes and examine this piece of AMAZING SHIT! So, can anyone give me a rough estimate of how old this Yeti is just by looking at the fur lines? Anyone? Anyone?
Chris! Stop dancing and answer the motherfreaking question!
You're actually RIGHT for once, Johnny! You are correct! It's weird that you got the age exactly right, but you know, there's always a charm for everything or whatever that stupid saying is. Johnny just estimated that the Yeti is roughly 80 years old. Oh, he should be in a HOME! Sorry I had to drag your old-ass out here, Yeti, I didn't know you were trying to get your beauty sleep for your detrimental health. I am extremely sorry, actually I'm not. You're gonna die anyway, soooo, yeah. Sucks for you.
HEY! Don't get all SALTY with me, Yeti! Like for real, I'm just trying to do what's RIGHT here! Okay, so I chained him up, don't feel bad for him, he's probably gonna die in quarantine. You know, this Yeti was actually quarantining himself from the coronavirus in his cave, but I guess I might have transferred it to him since I touched him and shot him with a tranquilizer and he's old so he'll probably be dead by next class. Sorry. Okay, so while he's tied up there, I would like everyone to make some observations and I'll lecture. So, everyone always wonders what kind of a diet Yetis have to maintain their healthy bodies and fur. Well, I did a bit of research in this guy's pantry when I visited his cave, he wasn't too happy about me snooping around his food but I did it anyway, and guess what I found? Human MEAT, and a couple of veggies as well, they were frozen but they looked like a few crops that he stole from a village downwards. So I found a human leg, and I'm telling you, don't be scared, but I have an INKLING that he MIGHT eat humans for breakfast. It's okay, he's chained up. He'll only eat you up if I let him loose, so there's no need to freak out.
Oh LOOK! My assistant found the human arm that the Yeti regurgitated on the way here. Thank you for finding it by the way! Come here, class, let's all take a good look at the bloody bite marks left on the arm by the Yeti and make observations. Come on, don't be a pussy, it's a little bit of BLOOD! God, these students can't handle a teeny bit of blood!
You got blood on your hand? Yeah, well, you shouldn't freak out. There's blood all over the room.
Oh come ON, the Yeti is NOT that scary, Hermione. Get over yourself and if you scream like that again the whip will be involved. Alright, so, anyway, continuing my lecture: The Yeti or the Abominable Snowman is a folkloric ape-like creature taller than an average human, that is said to inhabit the Himalayan mountains but now we know that it actually DOES since I actually went there and dug it out. The names Yeti and Meh-Teh are commonly used by the people indigenous to the region, and are part of their history and mythology. Stories of the Yeti first emerged as a facet of Western popular culture in the 19th century. The scientific community has generally regarded the Yeti as a legend, given the lack of evidence of its existence. But guess what? Those stupid scientists have been proven WRONG! I PROVED THEM WRONG! THE YETI EXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY LORD! Someone get me a FIVE BERRY CRUMBLE WITH A MERMAID MILKSHAKE RIGHT THIS SECOND BEFORE I DECIDE TO SLICE SOMEONE'S HEAD OOOOOOFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HURRY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!! 1, 2, 3, 9. . .
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SO GOOOOOOOOD!!!!! Okay, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!! If you guys think that's disgusting that I burped I will beat you up. Okay, continuing, now that I've eaten up my daily snacks, emphasis on the plural of snack because this won't be the only one I have today. Alright, the name "Abominable Snowman" was coined in 1921, the same year Lieutenant-Colonel Charles Howard-Bury led the 1921 British Mount Everest reconnaissance expedition which he chronicled in Mount Everest The Reconnaissance, 1921.
In the book, Howard-Bury includes an account of crossing the Lhakpa La at 21,000 ft (6,400 m) where he found footprints that he believed "were probably caused by a large 'loping' grey wolf, which in the soft snow formed double tracks rather like those of a bare-footed man". He adds that his Sherpa guides "at once volunteered that the tracks must be that of 'The Wild Man of the Snows', to which they gave the name 'metoh-kangmi'".
"Metoh" translates as "man-bear" and "Kang-mi" translates as "snowman".
Confusion exists between Howard-Bury's recitation of the term "metoh-kangmi" and the term used in Bill Tilman's book Mount Everest, 1938 where Tilman had used the words "metch", which does not exist in the Tibetan language, and "kangmi" when relating the coining of the term "Abominable Snowman". Further evidence of "metch" being a misnomer is provided by Tibetan language authority Professor David Snellgrove from the School of Oriental and African Studies at the University of London (ca. 1956), who dismissed the word "metch" as impossible, because the consonants "t-c-h" cannot be conjoined in the Tibetan language." Documentation suggests that the term "metch-kangmi" is derived from one source (from the year 1921). It has been suggested that "metch" is simply a misspelling of "metoh".
The use of "Abominable Snowman" began when Henry Newman, a longtime contributor to The Statesman in Calcutta, writing under the pen name "Kim", interviewed the porters of the "Everest Reconnaissance expedition" on their return to Darjeeling. Newman mistranslated the word "metoh" as "filthy", substituting the term "abominable", perhaps out of artistic licence.As author Bill Tilman recounts, "Newman wrote long after in a letter to The Times: The whole story seemed such a joyous creation I sent it to one or two newspapers". ISN'T THAT ALL SO AMAZING?! And I hope you guys are taking notes on everything I'm saying because I'm not repeating all that over again because I simply don't want to, I am simply too LAZY, period. So takes notes and if I do a notebook check and see that you do not have word for word written down then I will send you to the torture chamber to get beaten up by my assistants.
Alex, don't get stressed out with me, okay? I can see how stressed you are and it's not my fault that you're not paying attention to my lecture. You know what? I'm doing a notebook check next class and if I don't see your notes there and I will beat you with my stick, got it?
Oh you hid your notebook? That's really funny. Because you did that, I am first going to order my assistant to go find it and I can guess that it's in a very obvious place right now, it's in this classroom because you only hid it AFTER you heard me say that I was doing a notebook check, Rapunzel. And because you did that, I'm going to tie you up right now and beat you up.
Don't you dare, here my assistant comes to tie you up and take you away.
My assistant is taking you away to the torture chamber and now you're going to learn to respect me and not hide your notebook to escape my notebook checks. Alright, class! Let's continue! Forget about what you just saw and don't worry about her, just pretend like she's not going to endure a massive beating.
Listen, Daniel, I know it's shocking that I am sending her to the torture chamber just for hiding her notebook but I need to take disciplinary action on the most minor things otherwise people think they can start getting away with anything right in front of my face!
Hey, HEY! What the HELL do you think you're doing, Johnny? How DARE you try to hit me? It's not my freaking fault that Rapunzel was being a complete and utter disrespect to me! And don't even TRY to defend her, she was disrespecting me from the very beginning and deserves to be punished. And because you were ready to hit me with that book, I am going to have to take disciplinary action on YOU as well. KREESE! Come over here, man! I need you to take care of Johnny if you know what I mean.
POW! YEAH! PUNCH HIM! LET HIM HAVE IT! Alright that's enough. I want to see if he's still breathing. Hey, Johnny, you good?
Well, you're on your feet, so I guess everything's okay with you. Sorry about giving you a black eye all over again just when your old one was healing from LAST class. Kreese, good job beating him up, keep up the good work. You know, guys, Kreese is the only efficient hard-working assistant around here who ALWAYS does what I tell him to do and does not fear my blows or temper tantrums unlike those other pussy assistants who couldn't stand up to me to save their LIVES! HAH! I'm the RULER of SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! Alright, anyone else who DARES stand up for Rapunzel and receive the extreme beating Johnny just endured? Because trust me, I have all day, it's you that doesn't.
Good. That's what I wanted to hear. Did everyone hear what Dre just said? That absolutely NO ONE will stand up on anyone's behalf of getting beat up. Understood? Okay, understood. Now, continuing with the lesso--- uuuuuuh, guys? Where did the, uh, Yeti go? I swear, guys, I had him chained up there a second ago. Well, don't freak out, but I think he might be loose. Keep calm, everyone, it's just a little emergency, nothing big! We just have a man-eating monster that's running loose in the school! Don't worry, as long as he doesn't catch sight of you or your scent, you're FINE. Oh wait, the other students---ugh, never mind, who cares? I know I don't.
HEY! CHRIS! I GET it. I'm NOT scared too. Listen, just because you're trembling in horrible fear that the Yeti might get you does NOT MEAN you can grope my assistant and hold on to him hoping that he can protect you. GERROFF HIM!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's going to EAT US AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY OUT OF MY WAY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU FUCKTARD I'M TRYING TO SAVE MY LIFE!
SLAM! I just slammed my assistant into the mouth of the Yeti! OH THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!
Eeeeeew. BUT GET OUT OF MY WAY! I NEED TO SAVE MYSELF! GET OUT!
HEY GET OUT OF DANIEL'S WAY YOU STUPID ASSISTANT HE'S TRYING TO SAVE HIMSELF FROM THE FREAKING YETI FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!!!!
ASSISTANT! GET AHKMENRAH OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID ASS!!!!
YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR CLASSMATES LATER! LEAVE THE CLASSROOM RIGHT THIS SECOND!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! IT'S LOOKING AT ME! ALARM, ALARM, ALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARM!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLOSE THE GATES, CLOSE THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES!!!!!!! No, wait! Miguel is still in there! MIGUEL, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO MIGUEL DON'T TRY TO FIGHT THE YETI, STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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