Art class!

HELLO, PEOPLE! Today, instead of baking unusually large cakes for a reasonable amount of time, we will be . . . you guessed it, PAINTING ART MASTERPIECES TODAY! I went to a museum a few days ago and then I went to the art gallery, where they had a bunch of priceless artistic masterpieces out in the open and so I came up with a brilliant idea, like I always do because I am fucking AWESOME! Anyone wanna guess what that idea was?

Well . . . I mean yeah, host an art class, that too. But what I was going to say was that I had the brilliant idea of STEALING one of the art pieces while no one was looking to have it for myself and boast that I painted it even though I fucking didn't but also so I could show it to you guys so you know what I'm expecting from you in today's art class! Any failures like there were last class when some of you made ass cakes, you can expect bloodshed today. But let's hope we don't have to resort to that! Now, let my assistants bring out the art piece because it is EXTREMELY heavy and I don't wanna carry it myself because I am too good for that. SO HERE IT IS!

So I am sure you are all well familiarized with Van Gogh's painting 'Starry Night'. Isn't it so beautiful? Anyways, I stole it and let's hope no one noticed. So before we get started with the painting, I'm gonna let you in on a quick history lesson, just so you know the history behind this beautiful masterpiece. Painted in June 1889, it describes the view from the east-facing window of his asylum room at Saint-Rémy-de-Provence, just before sunrise, with the addition of an ideal village. Although the Starry Night was painted during the day in Van Gogh's ground-floor studio, it would be inaccurate to state that the picture was painted from meory. The view has been identified as the one from his bedroom window, facing east, a view which Van Gogh painted variations of no fewer than twenty-one times, including The Starry Night. "Through the iron-barred window," he wrote to his brother, Theo, around 23 May 1889, "I can see an enclosed square of wheat . . . above which, in the morning, I watch the sun rise in all its glory." Van Gogh depicted the view at different times of the day and under various weather conditions, including sunrise, moonrise, sunshine-filled days, overcast days, windy days, and one day with rain. While the hospital staff did not allow Van Gogh to paint in his bedroom, he was able there to make sketches in ink or charcoal on paper; eventually, he would base newer variations on previous versions. The pictorial element uniting all of these paintings is the diagonal line coming in from the right depicting the low rolling hills of the Alpilles mountains. In fifteen of the twenty-one versions, cypress trees are visible beyond the far wall enclosing the wheat field. Van Gogh telescoped the view in six of these vague paintings, most notably in F717 Wheat Field with Cypresses and The Starry Night, bringing the trees closer to the picture plane. WHOO! Wikipedia has got QUITE the bit of information, am I right? Anyways, I have a piece of news before we begin: Christopher was fortunately able to recover after his well-deserved time spent in the torture chamber, and although he is currently in a wheelchair and has to be wheeled around by one of my lowly assistants, he is doing much better. I still think he might be slightly paralyzed, but that's no excuse and he will still be participating in today's class. I expect no less from him as I do from any other student, and if he shows me less, I will send him straight back to the torture chamber. Understood, Christopher?

Zabdiel, stop comforting him or you'll end up just like him. He knows what he did wrong and he deserved to be punished, so he does not deserve special treatment. Now, get out of that wheelchair. I don't care how weak or in pain you are, you need to BE ACTIVE FOR THIS CLASS! Now, let me tell you all what you will be doing today: today, you will all be creating your own art masterpieces. They can be however you like, in whatever style, with whatever inspiration, but they have to fall under the theme of nature. Got it? Good! Now, you'll find all the supplies over there in that closet. You have exactly ONE hour, just like last time for baking class. PIECES OF SHIT, BEGIN PAINTING!

Lookin' good there, Gadiel! I can see you're going around the lines of something to do with water. Just remember: plain leads to pain.

FANTASTIC, RAPUNZEL! You guys should all use her as an example. Look at that, she used the entire wall of the classroom. Rapunzel, why are you such a good student? I mean sure, I beat you up numerous times, but that's all water under the bridge. I'm gonna go around and see what the others are doing. Richard, what the hell are you doing?


Oh I see what's going on here, you're cheating on me. WELL GUESS WHAT?! Get back to painting before I beat BOTH your asses real good! Dixie, let me see what you're doing.

Uh, are you TRYING to tell me to GO AWAY?! Alright, go wait for me in the torture chamber. I will not take this shit from you, I'm so SICK of students trying to confront me and challenge my authority! Let's see how the others are doing.



JOEL, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! SEE? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK AROUND INSTEAD OF DOING WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO! Well deserved!







(Tick-tock, tick-tock!!!!!!!!!!)

ALRIGHT, TIME'S UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I screamed, I just wanted to make sure you all heard because anyone who is still painting will get severely beaten for passing the time limit and their painting will be thrown into the meat grinder and made as a part of the assistants' lunch stew made up of components that cannot be named. Now, the first one! Who wants to show me their painting? How about you, Charli?

Alright, show me your painting!

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHARLI, THAT IS FRICKING AMAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE, TAKE PICTURES OF THIS ARTISTIC MASTERPIECE RIGHT THE FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS AN A+++++++++++++++++++++, I DON'T EVEN TO SAY IIIIIIIIIIT BUT I STILL DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You all could all learn a thing or two from this brilliant girl, you disgusting, lowlife fuckers. Alright, up next is Christopher. Don't disappoint me again, I told you being paralyzed was no reason for your work to be less.

Well that is . . . satisfactory. I'll give you a B, since it's not as bad as that piece of shit I had to subject my eyes to that you baked. Hah, that was funny when you got beat up! Good job, a B is a serious upgrade from last time. You've improved, and lucky for you, you just escaped getting beaten.

ALRIGHT! You know, I really don't wanna look at anyone else's paintings but I'll grade them when you guys leave class and decides who is safe and who is NOT. 
CLASS DISMISSED!