Hello there . . . um, friendly-looking people! Hello Snake Ink, Speaking Wind, Buzzard Hook, Hanging Moss, Cut Rock, Zero Wolf, Middle Eye, Monkey Jaw, Drunkards Four, and Ten Peccary!
Okay Joel, I know they look scary but come on, there's no need to cry about it! Don't worry, they won't slit your throat . . . I think. Anyways, I forgot to introduce two students. First up is Sophie Von Teschen!
Sophie, you wanna explain to me maybe WHY THE HELL YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH A CLASS?! Here, give it! SMAAAASH!!!!! There, now it's broken. You have to go buy a new one now because of your incompetence. Next up is Sophie's fiancee which I mistook for a cornstalk, Cameron Frye!
YES, I DO THINK YOU LOOK LIKE A CORNSTALK AND GET OVER IT! Now, you guys are lucky you got to have this marvelous opportunity to meet these amazing yet seemingly threatening people! The Holcanes look very happy to be here. Aren't you guys?
OH! Well, heh! Zero Wolf just killed one of my assistants. Don't worry, class. That was NOT a student . . . . . at least I think it wasn't. Hey . . . where's Loki? Um, I think that . . . class, I think we lost Loki.
Oh for God's sake man, get over it! People die in this school all the time, it's a daily thing. It's gonna be happening quite often and always does. So, the Holcanes are going to tell us a bit about their homeland and I want us all listening---wait, why did I say 'us' like I'm gonna listen? YOU guys better listen, and if not, I'll let the Holcanes take care of you. They're gonna be teaching us a multitude of things, such as archery and the proper way to stab someone so they bleed out! YEP!
Oh, just be careful there! Try not to kill any more of my students, heh! I don't want you to beat me to it! I mean this one time, I killed this student Jim. Remember him, guys? What an asshole. Melody deserves so much better. I mean, I didn't actually kill him. It was just a little thing with a nuclear bomb, no big deal! Anyways, I brought him back using the Lazarus, so it's fine. I remember, that nuclear bomb took out like half of the school HAH! I mean, the school was being renovated for like years. I mean, it's still being renovated NOW! Look at that huge hole over there, trying to be patched up. Heh, I remember I killed like all the assistants who renovated because they weren't working fast enough and one of them told me . . . ugh, you're not gonna believe this, but one of them told me I had to stop eating!
I know, right? I had soup made out of him because how mad I was at him for even MENTIONING the NOTION that I should stop eating. But don't worry, I sent the soup to starving cannibals in Africa so it was for a good cause! Now, who wants to volunteer to get sacrificed and beheaded just so the Holcanes can demonstrate and show to us a bit of their cultural practices and religion! So, who wants to volunteer? Don't be scared, people. It's gonna hurt a lot and it's gonna take a long time for you to die, but as soon as you're dead, I'll bring you back with the Lazarus. Of course, that's assuming it's still in the right condition! It's kind of a little funky at the moment, so let's hope everything is well and 100% of you gets brought back instead of just---ya know, like 45%. Great, Mike! Thank you for stepping in and volunteering!
Anyways, nobody liked you anyways 'cause everyone said you looked like a morph. I mean no hate and ALL HATE INTENDED, sometimes I can't tell whether you're a boy or a girl or a zir or a zee or whatever the hell those new terms are. Step up on the altar, Mike! And strip down, by the way.
WAHOO! Mike is dead, people. STONE dead. By the way, I didn't wanna say it in front of him but I don't think the Lazarus is working anymore. It broke and honestly I have NO idea how to fix it. So Middle Eye here is going to demonstrate the proper way to slit a throat, as he is demonstrating on my assistant there.
Yeah but I can wait around and watch unnecessary bitches get slaughtered, yo! I mean, Mike was clearly a duff. No one cared about him. For those of you who are unaware of what a DUFF is, it means Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Yeah! By the way guys, you guys can talk shit about Mike now without a worry in the air, since he's dead and he can't do anything about it, ya know what i MEAN?
What the fuck is your issue there, why are you like hyperventilating?
Oh god, I think Cameron is fainting. You know what I think is going on here? I think Middle Eye might have a crush on Sophie and that's why Cameron just fainted. SOMEONE GET A---wait, was I actually about to care? Ugh, I can't believe myself! The medic is reserved for people who are WORTH getting saved, like my babe Richard. So who wants to tell me a thing or two about the Mayans?
That's correct, Joel. Their main god was the Snake God Kukulkan. That is who they dedicated their sacrifices to. So who wants to tell me what the god of rain was called? And the Holcanes cannot answer, I will massacre them all if they try to help my students out. Wait---Christopher, are you laughing?
What? You think death is funny? How sadistic are you? Hey, I warned you, I'm the only one who's allowed to be sadistic here. Sadism, eating, and teaching are my things and if I catch anyone AT ALL trying to practice them . . . you know it, YOU'RE DEAD. So who can actually answer the question? Who knows what the god of rain is in Mayan mythology?
You're absolutely right, Laureline! The god of rain is Chaac. I hope you all took notes on that because I am going to probably give you an unexpected pop quiz when you least expect it, hence why I call it an unexpected quiz. Next question: Who was the Mayan god of creation?
Sorry---wait, did you just say Zeus? Val----Okay, take him away and have him severely flogged. I just cannot believe this kid's STUPIDITY! And the fact that I have to waste a perfectly good whip on him and make it lose quality! Please, someone give me a smart answer.
RING-DING-DING, ZABDIEL! You're damn right, the Mayan god of creation IS Itzamna! Good thing, I thought I was gonna have to whip you too, heh! Alright, so who wants to show me the proper way to shoot an arrow so that you don't miss your target?
PERFECT, MERIDA! That was just gold! And thank GOD you didn't hit anyone. Actually, NOT thank god. I wanted you to hit someone annoying. What was the crop that was the center of Mayan civilization and the most important to them?
You're absolutely right there, Erick! The most important crop to the Mayans was corn, and that's why they even had a fuckin' god dedicated to corn. I hope you guys took notes of that, because remember I whip whoever does NOT take notes. Alright, so who remembers around what time the Spanish came and conquered the Mayans?
WROOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What'd you do? I'll tell ya what you fuckin' DID! IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION!!!!! The Spanish NEVER came to conquer the Mayans because they were already GONE when the Spanish had COOOOOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! And since you were not historically knowledgeable enough to know that, it's time for a beating. ASSISTANT, WHIP HIM! And since my favorite subject is history, I'm extra mad so he's gonna whip you with . . . wait for it, A FLAMING WHIP!
KABOOOM!!!!! Oof, that must've BURNED. HAHAHAHAAAAAAA, GET IT?! Hey, wake up! Assistant, wake him up there!
Oh for ASS sake get your FUCKIN' ASS up, it was just a bit of fire! Oh, just in case, have one of my assistants go prepare the Lazarus. After Mike is done in there (that is, if it worked with him), chuck Cameron in there, but first check if he's actually dead. See? I told you guys. Now someone got hurt all because you guys don't care enough about history to even bother to learn about it, and then you have to suffer the consequences! I mean, don't you just feel awful for what you've done to Cameron? Just look at the kid! You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. I mean, to be honest, it was kind of his fault, but still, you guys contributed to my temper. So now that we got a physical representation of how sacrificial processions took place, what with Mike being our unafraid and willing volunteer, who would like to tell me just why the sacrificial processions took place?
Um . . . . I'm sorry, that was wrong. You are incorrect about why the sacrificial processions took place. That's okay! You just need to learn, babe. I'm sure you'll get it right next time!
YOU'RE WROOOOOOONG AS WEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET A BEATING SINCE YOU GOT THE QUESTION WRONG!!!!!!!
DON'T YOU DARE TALK DOWN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GET A BEATING BECAUSE YOU DON'T GET TO GET AWAY WITH GETTING A QUESTION WRONG BECAUSE YOU. ARE. NOT. AS. BEAUTIFUL. AS. RICHAAAAAAARDDDDDDDD!!!!!! IN FACT, YOU'RE FUGLY AS HELL AND THAT'S WHY YOU GET TREATED SO BADLYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ALL THINK YOU'RE LOOKING AT?! I'M ALLOWED TO LOSE MY TEMPER, IN FACT I'M ALLOWED TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT BECAUSE I AM THE TEACHER HERE, THE ALPHA, THE NUMBER 1, THE LEADER, THE QUEEN, THE LEADERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLASS DISMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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