Well, you guys have an idea of him. Wait a minute, is Moon infatuated? Demetri, I see how you're looking at her. STOP IT. No one cares that you are her fiancee, you suck and she OBVIOUSLY has the brains to leave your ass behind. Also, guys, TODAY IS THE DAY when we have a class where I am going to uncover a legendary myth that people thought FAKE until NOW! Sorry for all the screaming, guys, I had WAY TOO MUCH CAFFEINE IN THE MORNING! Alright, are you guys ready? I trekked all the way to Scotland and guess what I shot with my tranquilizer gun during my sailing trip in a big lagoon? Key word: lagoon. THE LOCHNESS MONSTER!!!!!!! NESSIE HERSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guys, stop FREAKING OUT. It's just the lil' Lochness Monster. And guess what? ME, the most amazing person EVER, just like I discovered that the myth of the Yeti was real, and now the Yeti's dead so the myth died with it and we were only ones who ever knew about, of course except for the people in that little village that were being terrorized by it. So, I, being amazing like always, discovered that the myth of the Lochness Monster IS REAL AS WELL! I AM THE MOST PHENOMENAL OF DISCOVERERS! I'M EVEN BETTER THAN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS! Even though that guy was a bit of a stretch, not gonna lie. Anyway, remember this stupid picture? Well, I went back in time and took it MYSELF, so forget about any asshole who said THEY were the ones who took it. Didn't you read the Wikipedia? It said that a TEACHER took the photo AKA ME. So here it is, the good old Nessie photo. I want you all to analyze this shit as much as humanly possible and then tell me what you think!
Alright, this is what I think: this is an extremely stupid photo about the monster and the ripples look way too large to be waves, and that's why this "monster" looks like a "twig" actually. So I was like, okay, this is maybe why people didn't believe this shit. But having bad cameras is no excuse. So I went ahead down in a submarine and got the REAL thing! 
NO IT WASN'T! YOU'RE GETTING WHIPPED AFTER THIS! But anyways, continuing. Alright, guys, don't freak out. Follow me outside to our big lake and DON'T. FREAK! Nessieeeee! Your parental figure is here!
HEY THERE, BABY!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???? WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?! THERE IS NO NEED TO SCREAM AND BECAUSE YOU DISRESPECTED NESSIE I AM GOING TO WHIP YOU SO HARD THAT THERE WILL BE NO TOMORROW FOR YOU!!!!!!! Now I am going to hold all you guys down with Mjolnir, which I secretly stole from Asgard by the way, it's okay, no one noticed, and you guys will just sit there crying in tears of horror while I teach you the class and you find a way to calm down or you will be beaten up after this! Alright, so, now that we have a physical, realistic, ACTUAL example of Nessie swimming right here in front of us, we can analyze her and get physical evidence and learn about her. So, would anyone like to tell me what a Lochness Monster's diet is? And tell me WITHOUT crying, OKAY?! OKAY!
YES! You're absolutely RIGHT! And thank you for not crying while saying it. Did everyone hear what Rapunzel just said? What she just said was that the diet of the Lochness Monster consists of small fish, squid, and crustaceans (like shrimp). SEE? You all can be smart when FEAR is knocked into you! MY way of teaching is AWESOME! Being scared of getting beaten up or eaten makes you answer questions correctly and expand your BRAIN! HAH!
Yes, I know. You're happy that you finally got over your fears of the Loch ness Monster!
I KNOW RIGHT, IT'S SO FUN TO LEARN ABOUT THE LOCH NESS MONSTER! Also, next question. So, how many tons it weighs?
You're right. Stop looking at your chameleon, look at ME! Also, Rapunzel said that it is 9 tons, which just so you guys know it is 18000 lbs. SHEESH! Imagine if I dropped Nessie on top of one of you guys. HAH! YOU'D ALL BE DEAD! But it's okay, I could bring you guys back with the Lazarus. Maybe we should test it out! Alright, how many feet long was Nessie?
You're ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, Miguel! Thank you for expressing what you said to Emma and Samantha there as well. Miguel said it was 13 – 26 ft. (Medium size). So yeah, Nessie's a big girl, a thickie. You know what? Nessie is also known for eating humans if she is really hungry. So, I thought we could do a demonstration of how Nessie could potentially eat a human in worst case scenario. ASSISTANT! Shhhhh! Don't tell them what they're here for or it's you that will go into Nessie's mouth! ASSISTAAAAANT!!!!!
YEAH, ASSISTANT! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE THIS INSTANT! SHOVE! Alright, Nessie ate him. SPLAAAT! Oh yeah, sorry for the bloody innards residue that Nessie spit out on you guys from my assistant that she just gobbled up. No hard feelings. That assistant was a piece of shit anyway and he never gave me my food on time. WHAT A STUPID-ASS! Also, here is some new students I have to introduce! Rapunzel has a cousin who is JUST LIKE her, her name is also Rapunzel, but to avoid confusion, we will call her Mackenzie, which is her middle name. She has 70 feet of long blonde hair just like Rapunzel, except it doesn't glow like Rapunzel's. But her tears are magical! Mackenzie, COME OVER HERE! SAY HI!
Isn't she so pretty? Also, UGH, I guess I HAVE to introduce her disgusting, completely LOW-LIFE, not to mention FAT, GROSS-ASS, ABSOLUTELY REPUGNANT FIANCEE, ANTHONY! UUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEW, CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EEEEEEEW! IT'S THAT KID IN THE GREEN SHIRT, THAT'S HER FIANCEE, HE'S SUCH A PIECE OF SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, why do I have to get such pieces of SHIT in this school?! You just better hope I don't kill your fiancee and ship you off with someone else, Mackenzie. Okay, anyways, now that we're all acquainted, we can fucking DISCUSS here! Anyways, we were talking about the Lochness Monster and we're done with that now. We're moving on. Besides, Nessie needs a nap. Alright, let's move on to the next thing--- SHIT! Ugh, sorry, I forgot to mention that Nessie is a Plesiosauria. Anyways, let's move on to the next creature that I dug up and kidnapped. It's A DINOSAUUUUUUUUUUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW, RIGHT?! SHE'S SO AMAZING! I CALLED HER JANNET!
GUYS, STOP FREAKING OUT! I THOUGHT WE WENT OVER THIS RULE WITH NESSIE! IT'S JUST A BIG, OLE FRIENDLY T-REX! QUIT SCREAMING AND CRYING RIGHT NOW OR I WILL BEAT YOU UP SO BAD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET UP FOR A WHOLE WEEK!!!!!!!!! Alright, everyone is quiet. So, now that we can learn in fucking PEACE, let's move on to the facts. Also, her name is Jannet, if I didn't mention that the first time. Anyways, here are some facts about the T-Rex:
The Tyrannosaurus had a life span of around 30 years.
Tyrannosaurus is from the Greek word meaning Tyrant Lizard.
The dinosaur has many similar features to birds.
Its arms were too short to reach its mouth.
It lived in North America in river valleys and forests.
Yeah, those are some fast facts I borrowed from my special Jurassic Era Book. Also, they didn't know, but I actually stole Jannet from the Jurassic Park, and yes it's a real place, not that fake made-up shit in Universal. I MEAN THE REAL THING! They chased after me and I tranquilized Jannet and she was in my truck but they didn't catch me because my stupid-ass, incompetent-ass assistants flew in in their stupid-ass copter and they picked us up and we flew out of there. Those assholes almost CAUGHT ME, can you believe that shit? Also, I'm probably on a WANTED poster right now but WHO CARES?! They'll NEVER find me, not in a MILLION YEARS, I say! SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD can only be found by me, so if you guys theoretically left which you never will because I will never let you, and you tried to find your way back, you wouldn't be able to. SIMPLE. AS. THAT! BUUUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!! Sorry, I don't know where that came from. So, would anyone like to contribute any facts, evidence beyond the Jurassic Era Book?
You're absolutely RIGHT, Diana! Did everyone hear what she just said? Diana said that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had about 60 teeth and that the largest T. Rex tooth found was 12 inches long and its jaw had to be about 4 feet long to fit all 60 teeth. Does anyone know what its diet was, or, IS?
YOU'RE RIGHT! You are absolutely right, HOT-ASS----- WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!!!! I did NOT just say that. FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID OR I WILL CHOP YOUR HEADS OFF!!!!!!!! Hehe, okay. Anyway, Zuko said that the T-Rex actually was a CARNIVORE! HAHA! As if we didn't KNOW THAT! So, anything else? And no, I'm not lecturing unless I see raw information pouring from your heads like the smart-ass people I DON'T think you are. ANY OTHER FACTS FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!
Do YOU want to answer the question, Yue? Yeah I think you do. Fucking answer it then.
NICE! You're right: the T-Rex was feared by all other dinosaurs. But wait, did you get that out of the book you're holding in your hands right now? Oh wait! Is that another copy of my Jurassic Era Book?
Oh, nice! Oh yeah, Yue just reminded me to pass out a copy to each of you of my Jurassic Era Book! I wrote it myself, so yes, all the information is 100% reliable and absolutely true and if you don't believe it, then fuck you and you're going STRAIGHT to the torture chamber. Anything I write is worth reading, forget all those other crap-ass people like Shakespeare and them, they're NOTHING compared to ME, I'm a PRODIGY! An absolute PRODIGY! Okay, who wants to pass them out?
Thank you VERY MUCH for volunteering, Zuko babe---I MEAN JUST ZUKO! EEEEGH! Okay, I'm fine. Also, I shouldn't have to tell you this shit, but don't forget to put your name in them, if you don't and you lose MY BOOK, then you're dead. Not that they cost any money because I made them myself but just because I hate when people lose my stuff that I gave to them out of the pure GOODNESS of my heart! Alright, does everyone have the book? Let me show mine to the entire class. This is your fucking homework and you're going to fucking complete it no matter what no motherfucking excuses or it's a beating for you: Read the first 3 chapters and then come back with motherfucking reliable information because we will have a QUIZ ON IT!
Hey Kermy! Oh yeah, new students, this is one of my old students, Ermengarde! I call her Kermy, a nickname. Also, she's frozen because she's scared. Wait, Kermy, why are you scared?
Oh. MY. GOD! WHO IS THIS HOT HUNK OF--- I MEAN! WHO IS THIS INTRUDER?! WHAT IS HE DOING IN MY SCHOOL? OH MY GOD, HE'S LOOKING AT KERMY, HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY NOT MEEEE???? AHEM! I mean, no, that's not what I meant. ASSISTANTS, ARREST HIM BEFORE HE GETS KERMY!
WHAT? This guy is your FRIEND, Zuko? WHY?! He BROKE into my school and is trying to win Kermy's heart when it is SO fucking OBVIOUS that she is engaged to AMBROSE KEMPER! Oh, you say he is a Firebender and is part of the Fire Nation and works for you? Well WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? I ALMOST SHOT HIM IN THAT PRETTY FACE OF HIS WITH MY BAZOOKA GUN! Ugh, honestly, Zuko, you really are a beautiful masterpiece, but you have to work on being smarter and saying things ON TIME. Sorry, sir, I apologize for that whole mishap back there, I didn't mean to pull a gun on you. If you mind telling me, hot stuff, what's your name?
Your name is Ritesh Rajan but since you're Zuko's guard you like to be known as the Guard? What the FUCK? Why the FUCK would you want to be called that? That is literally the STUPIDEST thing ever! Well, whatever, I will call you whatever you like, ya spicy-ass delicious-ass hot-ass piece of-----WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!!!!!!!!!! FORGET EVERYTHING I JUST SAID!!!!! I DID NOT SAY A WORD OF IT! IF ANY OF YOU EVER DARE MENTION WHAT I SAID HERE TODAY ABOUT THE GUARD I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU ON THE SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I THINK WE GET IT!
Oh my GOD, CALM THE FUCK DOWN IT'S NOT LIKE I ACTUALLY KILLED SOMEONE RIGHT NOW! STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING SISSY, MACKENZIE! Okay, anyway. Now that we're done being hostile here, we can continue with the motherfucking lesson.
ERMENGARDE JOYCE AMES KERMY VANDERGELDER! STOP FUCKING DANCING WITH AMBROSE AND DOLLY BEFORE I TAKE OUT THE WHIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!! Okay, Kermy fucking settled down.
I CAN YELL AT WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT, GUARD! OKAY, OKAY?! BECAUSE KERMY WAS NOT BEING COMPETENT AND SHE WAS BEING IRRESPONSIBLE, SO SHE DESERVED ME TO SCREAM AT HER! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO PROTECT HER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SAY SOMETHING TO HER! Sorry, Kermy, I know you don't like the Guard and want to be with Ambrose but you just can't change it if someone is in love with you and the Guard is in love with you and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to stop that! Anyways, let's move on. SO, now that we're done with talking about the homework--- also, Zuko, I'm giving YOU the job of telling the Guard what the homework is, fill him in on the lecture, and yes, I am making him a student of SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD even though I barely know his ass. What? It's not like I mentioned his ass because I'm thinking about it. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?????!!!!!! Okay, moving the fuck ON! SO, now we are going to discuss the Cthulhu. Yeah, that's right. Just TRY to pronounce that insane SHIT!
It's not that hard to remember, babe, it's alright. SHUSH! Sorry, I had to fucking shush myself because I was getting WAY ahead of myself when I called Zuko, um, something extremely UNPROFESSIONAL. Anyways, just yeah, fill in the Guard on everything. And, get ready for it, because THIS one is the most mind blowing one of them all! Everybody follow me outside and get on my pirate ship. Yep, that's right, my PIRATE SHIP!
Yeah, Yue! You're excited, aren't you? Yeah, just tell Zuko who's standing right there next to you that it's going to be alright!
Such comforting words, right, Zuko?
OOOOOOOOOOHH!!!!!!! Zuko is BLUSHING! HE'S IN LOVE WITH YUE! He can't HELP IT! Every time she talks to you you glow up like a solar fire of love, ya big hunk of hot---uh, hot-headed firebending material, yeah, THAT'S what I was going to say, nothing else, nothing sexual.
OH SHUT UP, SOKKA! Literally NO ONE gives 10 shits about how fucking JEALOUS You are of Zuko being in love with Yue! ESPECIALLY ME! I most certainly don't give twenty-hundred SHITS if you're jealous and don't want Zuko near your girl! In fact, just to shove it in your fucking-ass, fugly-ass face, I actually SHIP Zuko and Yue and they WILL be together, whether Yue herself wants it or not. Plus, your opinion does not matter and does not have a place in my school, so FUCK OFF! YUKO FOREVER! YOKKA CAN DROWN IN POOP FOR ALL I CARE! Okay, ALL ABOARD! Alright, now that we're on my fucking-ass pirate ship I need you all to watch the water closely and just keep your eyes on the water. Since none of you demonstrated knowledge about knowing what the hell the Cthulhu is, then you're in for a BIG SURPRISE! Alright, here's my horn. I'm calling it, here I go! RFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Yeah, that was my horn. OH THERE IT IS! HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!! IT'S HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S GONNA GET ME! EVERYBODY OUT OF MY WAY, I WANNA LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!! THERE'S SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE YET! HELP, HELP! THIS WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA, AN ABSOLUTE HORRIFIC, PREPOSTEROUS, UNCOUTH, TERRIFYING IDEA THAT WILL PROBABLY GET SOMEONE, NOT ME, KILLED! ZUKO, USE YOUR FIRE POWERS, KNOCK IT OUT BEFORE IT DECIDES TO MAKE ME ITS DINNER! I MEAN US! NOT ME!
ZUKO, STOP TRYING TO SWOON YUE AND USE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FIRE POWERS TO SAVE US! Oh, it just ate an assistant. RIP.
ZUKO STOP SHAKING YOUR SEXY AAAAASS I CAN'T TAKE IIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD, AANG, DO SOMETHING! USE YOUR ULTIMATE AVATAR POWEEEEEEEEEEEEERS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S COMING DOWN ON US, DO SOMETHING OR WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEARN ABOUT IT!!!!!!
YES, ZUKO! SCARE IT OFF WITH YOUR FIRE POWERS! YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, THERE! I tranquilized it, guys. It can't hurt us anymore. So, what we want to do now is analyze it, of course, after we all calm down because what we just experienced was NOT that bad at all and also I need food so I can settle down.
WHOOHOO! THIS IS ALL FOR ME, JUST FOR ME! Thank you, assistant, actually no, FUCK YOU. Also, if any of you try to take a piece then I will slam you down with Mjolnir, which I actually stole from Thor himself while he fell asleep in my other class. Fuck him. He doesn't know. Alright, now that we're all calmed down, we can talk about the Cthulhu. So, I found this guy in the deepest part of the ocean in my submersible and I tranquilized it with a big torpedo gun, and brought it the surface. I angered it and I dropped it into SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD's big salty lake. He's a bit salty with me right now, get it? SALTY? HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, who can tell me what the hell is the Cthulhu's diet?
STOP TRYING TO ESCAPE THIS CLASS, MACKENZIE! You're just trying to escape the Cthulhu! Anyway, can anyone answer the question?
THAT'S RIGHT, YUE! The Cthulhu eats humans, and it could have eaten us if it wasn't for Zuko to shoot it with his fire powers and knock it out! The short story that first mentions Cthulhu, "The Call of Cthulhu", was published in Weird Tales in 1928 and established the character as a malevolent entity, hibernating within R'lyeh, an underwater city in the South Pacific. The imprisoned Cthulhu is apparently the source of constant subconscious anxiety for all mankind, and is also the object of worship, both by a number of human cults (including in New Zealand, Greenland, Louisiana, and the Chinese mountains) and by other Lovecraftian monsters (called Deep Ones and Mi-Go). The short story asserts the premise that, while currently trapped, Cthulhu will eventually return. His worshippers chant "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" ("In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."). Lovecraft conceived a detailed genealogy for Cthulhu (published as "Letter 617" in Selected Letters) and made the character a central reference in his works. The short story "The Dunwich Horror" (1928) refers to Cthulhu, while "The Whisperer in Darkness" (1930) hints that one of his characters knows the creature's origins ("I learned whence Cthulhu first came, and why half the great temporary stars of history had flared forth."). The 1931 novella At the Mountains of Madness refers to the "star-spawn of Cthulhu", who warred with another race called the Elder Things before the dawn of man. So yeah, basically that's the whole gruesome-ass history of the Cthulhu. ALRIGHT, so that's all for today. REMEMBER YOUR HOMEWORK!!!! CLASS OVER! TEACHER OUT!
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