Heck-of-it Karate Class!

HI PEOPLES! So as you can see, even though coronavirus is going throughout the world, I am still forcing my students to stay here and quarantining them here and not letting them return to their families. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: that's so responsible of me, right? It's not evil or maniacal at all. Anyway, while your dumb ass was gone, I decided to create a KARATE CLASS! That's right. A FREAKING KARATE CLASS! And it's not going to be easy. So I was talking to Kreese and he told me I could take over Cobra Kai. If you don't know who Kreese is then you're an uncultured SWINE!!!! Anyway, that's that and I have a whole bunch of new students. So, Rapunzel is here with me and so is Olaf and Flynn, they're going to help me conduct this class because I said so.

Oh you say the students have arrived? Alright, lemme introduce them! So Akhmenrah the great Egyptian pharaoh that I dug up in Egypt to put in my school. WELCOME AKHMENRAH!

UGH! DON'T COUGH ALL OVER ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT! As you can obviously see, he's coughing out all that dust from being stuck in there for a THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS! That's right, I swear now. A lot's changed since you've been gone. I mean, why were you even gone for so long? STUPID ASS. Anyway, this is Ali. Akhmenrah has a thing for her, and I mean like a BIG THING.

Well. . .TOLD YOU.

You're not fuckin' going anywhere, you stupid. You're staying right here and I don't give two SHITS about how uncomfortable that makes you, Ali! Anyway, this is her friend Daniel Larusso. He's quite a catch if you ask me, he's the KARATE KID! He won All-Valley Champs! HOW FUCKIN' COOL IS THAT?! Anyway, calming down, here he is.

HEY DANIEL! Hey, listen, I know I can be a bit much at times, but--- what the hell are you staring at? Look at ME when I speak to you, LARUSSO----

Oh, OOOOOOOOOH! I see you've encountered my NIECE, Janhvi Kapoor. I see you like her and she likes you as well. Also, she's from fuckin' INDIA, man! I fucking LOVE that country, the guys there are SUPREME HOT. Also, she brought her Indian friend, Ovi, as well.

Why the HELL are you looking at me like that? Oh wait, he's caught sight of someone.

SAMANTHA! That is some really disrespectful behavior there. Ovi likes you and there's NOTHING you can do about it. Basically, here's the rest of the students and that's that.

This is Alex Owens, she's a dancer.

This is Rat, her fiancee and a pirate.

This is Johnny Lawrence, Daniel Larusso's ally and former foe.

Um, this is Victoria and Miguel Diaz. MIGUEL! GET OFF VICTORIA AND GET OVER HERE! Also, I don't think you guys deserve to see Victoria because she's one of my close, personal friends and you are not worthy of seeing her. Miguel Diaz is obsessed with her and she hates him but guess what? She can't escape him. Here's Miguel. Say hi, Miguel!

What? Are you talking to Dre here? Oh yeah, everyone, in case you haven't noticed, Miguel hates Dre's guts because Dre here is in a relationship with Victoria. He's her fiancee in fact. Here's Dre Parker, he's Mr. Han's student.

YEAH, WELL GUESS WHAT?! NO ONE EVER LEAVES SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD AND THAT'S THAT! NO QUESTIONS ASKED! NEXT! Hammy, who is Samantha's fiancee, was forgotten. Here he is.

What are you having? A nut-gasm? Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to expose crude jokes like that.

This is Bertram, Janvhi's fiancee. What a fat piece of shit, am I right? Don't talk to me about fat-shaming, this is such a pussy generation.

This is Ali's fiancee, Miguel of El Dorado. No talent at all, right?

No we don't. This is Moon, and this is Demetri her fiancee. Do you like the school so far, Demetri?

Well fuck you. This school is AWESOME!

And this is Howie, the guy who has a MASSIVE MUNDO crush on Emma Ross. Remember her? Yeah. Well anyway, we're done here. Now, let's start KARATE! So, now that we're all fuckin' here, let's start training. There's a lesson that needs to be taught: STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD, NO MERCY!

What? Are you SCARED, Rapunzel? You're honestly a hopeless case. The fact that you got scared in the first 5 seconds of this class already tells me that you're not gonna make it. Daniel, I want you to introduce to Rapunzel what the fuck this class is about.

YEAH, DANIEL! Sorry, Johnny. I know that hurt, but you're a worthless piece of shit. Now, can anyone tell me just what that fuckin' move is called?

Oh yeah, Hammy. Thanks for pointing him out to me, RJ. Also guys, RJ is one of the students' fiancees. She's coming later. So, what is it, Hammy? Spit it out.

You're absolutely RIGHT, Hammy! It IS called the Crane Kick. And did anyone hear that last part he added in? The Crane Kick is NOT illegal, don't listen to what the fuckin' internet says, people, SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD is the Number 1 SOURCE. Okay, so I'm going to make you guys spar each other just to see what level everyone is on. Remember, this is the Cobra Kai Dojo, none of that simplistic Miyago-Do shit. ALRIGHT, SPAR EACH OTHER! GO, GO, GO!
 
GOOD ONE, RAPUNZEL! POINT!

You're damn right, Kreese. But what the hell are you doing here? Sorry, but if you're here to bargain, you're not FUCKIN getting Cobra Kai back no matter how much you try to force me. GET YOUR BUTT OUT! Okay, keep sparring, students, don't look at me, LOOK AT YOUR OPPONENT! Ugh, Hammy. You got taken down by Ovi. Too late.

GOOD JOB, DRE! He just beat up my Asian-ass assistant.

THAT'S RIGHT! Miguel took out my other Asian-ass assistant.

GOOD JOB FIGHTING MY PIECE OF SHIT WHITE-ASS ASSISTANT ROBBY WHO WILL NEVER GET YOU, YAAAAAAS!!!!!

OH, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!! JOHNNY GOT DANIEL! OH, OH! Sorry guys, I need food. Ugh, someone bring something deep-fried and smothered in chocolate! All this fighting is making me hungry and I'm glad I'm not doing ANY of it. ASSISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!!!!! Get your FUCKING ASS over here right this instant!

Look at THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! HUSH PUPPIES WITH CHOCOLATE! This is all mine. If anyone tries to steal some from me I will kill them, just remember that people. I won't say it again.

Alex, this isn't DANCING CLASS! This is fuckin' Karate Class and you're supposed to be SPARRING SOMEONE! Ugh, honestly. These students. Alright, I'm leaving. Pssst! Don't tell them I left. I want them to over-exert themselves. Okay, bye! Teacher OUT!