MORE STUDENTS!

HEY GUYS! So, I'm back. Of course I am, I was literally just here a few effing minutes ago. Anyways, have I got a story to tell you: so, I was exploring SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! and walking around, and then I discovered a secret passage hidden behind one of the hideous paintings. You know I'm a curious one, so I obviously went in there. Guess what I found there? GUESS! HEY, that was rhetorical. Don't answer my effing question for me. I found . . . wait for it, A TIME MACHINE! Yeah, that's effing right! An effing time machine! A real 100%-working high-quality time machine. I completely forgot that we had one in our school, but then when I saw it I remembered that I had hidden it away because of how reckless the school had gotten with time travel and so many catastrophes and crises had been caused because of dumb-asses here, so I had to put it away where NO ONE could ever find it again! Except for me, of course. It could only be found by those who already know where it is. Anyways, continuing: so, you know me. I got cocky! I remembered how much fun the times had been when time traveling was still a thing for our school, so I decided to get in the B.U.T.T.---that's its name, the Brisk Universal Time Tanker---but of course, since I haven't used it in forever and I forgot how everything works, I pressed a few buttons here and there and sent my ass off to the 50's. SO GUESS WHERE I LANDED? Yep, my ass landed right in the middle of the Cuban Revolution. I completely forgot about that, nor had I the slightest idea I was going to land in Cuba. You know, with the revolution and all. I forgot about that little detail. And, you guys, you'll never guess who the hell I met there! The super-famous and super-HOT, may I mention, Argentine revolutionary Che Guevara! I mean, this guy is a real hottie guys. Anyways, I saw him doing revolutionary-related things and as I was walking, he accidentally hit me with his tank. Isn't that romantic? He jumped off and started rambling on in Spanish, and I didn't understand a THING, but all I answered back was an occasional 'yes', 'no', and 'I think you're hot'. I tried to touch his bicep but he pulled out his gun on me, so at this point I was like 'BAD BOY ALERT', and I pepper-sprayed him. Then I knocked him out and I dragged him all the way to the B.U.T.T. and hitched a ride all the way back to present time, in SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! When he woke up, he could suddenly speak English! Isn't it just incredible, what time-travel can do to a person? Anyways, sorry for that little rant. Here he is, guys!

HOTTIE! Now you listen to me, EACH and EVERY one of you. If I catch you with googly eyes at MY man, there are going to be consequences. MAJOR ONES! I will make sure you never see the light of day again, and that you suffer THE WORST DEATH POSSIBLE! Okay? Okay, sweet-peas. Now, moving on. As much as I would like to stay on him, both figuratively and physically, we're moving on to other new students that need to be introduced. UGH, B-WORDS! Anyways, here comes Elizabeth Taylor, the British beauty! You guys may have heard of her, I brought her here with the B.U.T.T. as well. 

HEY THERE, GIRL! You're so goddamn gorgeous. And how is everything? Sorry I kidnapped you, by the way. Yeah, that's kind of going to be permanent. You're not going back to your time until you graduate.

And I---wait a minute, what's going on here? Che, why are you smiling at Elizabeth like that? Wait, you have a THING for her? NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!!!!!! 

See? Look at her, she's absolutely and utterly uncomfortable with you ogling her like that! I mean, what's wrong with me? Why can't you have me? I'll learn Spanish and become a smoker, and I'll learn all your revolutionary crap so we can liberate Cuba together! HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE! Isn't that like, something you said? Anyways, I would introduce her fiancee, but he went missing. He arrived here with her, but he might've waded off into my dangerous lake of sea monsters that are incredibly rare and deadly. His name was John Jr. 2 "Slop" Temple, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore since he's MIA, or maybe even KIA. 

Oh stop screaming! We have a life-reviving machine called the Lazarus---oh wait, never mind. I forgot that crappy invention stopped working AGES ago. Last time I tried using it was on an assistant who had gotten sacrificed by a Mayan priest, but I never got around to it anyways because I didn't care much for that turd. Also guys, that's the norm around here. People come and go and die and live, who knows? I mean, we have a motto: If you're not ready for it, then you won't live to see it! I came up with that after our first death in the school. It's a great motto, isn't it? Well anyways, enough of that. I have a few other students I would like to introduce, starting with Dr. Linda Martin here. She is a licensed therapist outside of school, guys! Isn't that so cool? So if any of you have any emotional issues, you can go to her. Here she is!

Hang in there, Linda! You don't have anything to worry about, you're surrounded by loving students---actually, scratch that. You're surrounded by unstable, ill-mannered people who might die sooner or later if they don't watch themselves, and I am the only person worthy of life here. Anyways guys, I would like to introduce the fiancee of Linda, Amenadiel. Yeah guys, he is actually an angel from Heaven! Me and the big guy have connections. Here he is.

I was about to get to that, Amenadiel. Stop spoiling everything. Sorry guys, it's his angel-sense sort of thing. He can sense EVERYTHING. Anyways, he's right. Someone did escape from hell, but don't worry. He won't kill anyone---at least, I don't think he won't. If he killed his brother, he'll probably have no problem killing strangers. Anyways, here he is: Cain! Yeah, that's right, Cain from the effing Bible, PEOPLE! Cain, do you know why you're here?

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OFFICIALLY ENROLLED IN SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD! And your ass is not going anywhere until you graduate. Hell can have you back after that. Now, moving on, I would like to introduce another character from hell. Okay, I know I'm being a bit freakish with hell and all, but seriously, you guys are gonna love this guy. The incarnate of evil, the king of hell, and the prince of demons! The guy who persuaded our girl Eve back in the day to eat that apple (which by the way, wasn't even ripe), and the guy who is famous for bringing out our desires and temptations! Here comes the one, THE ONLY . . . . LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR! Also known as Satan, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, etc. 

HOLY---AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU DUMBASS, THAT'S NOT FUNNY! IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, I'LL HAVE YOU SENT STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE DUNGEONS WHERE YOU'LL BE TORTURED FOR A GOOD AMOUNT OF TIME! And yeah, I don't care if you're the devil, I'm still your superior as your teacher AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!

Now don't you . . . . I---I want to smash Che so hard his back will break. WAIT, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

HAHAAA, HAH! O-of c-course that was a joke, h-hehe! W-why would I e-ever openly a-admit to something l-like that? Lucifer's tricks are bogus, complete hocus-pocus, guys! Absolutely not true, not in any way or shape or form. It did NOT work on me. HAHA! Let's just make that clear, okay? Forget whatever I said, it's NOT true and definitely not school-appropriate. ANYWAYS, moving on from that so obviously fake instance that occurred, I would like to introduce my next student, who is actually a detective for the LAPD in Los Angeles, Chloe Decker!

Are you implying that your STUPID POLICE WORK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ACADEMIC TIME YOU SPEND AT THIS SCHOOL?! WELL, SEE HERE---

Well would you LOOK at that?! Who knew the lord of all evil, the ACTUAL devil could fall for some random human? Guys, Lucifer has a thing for Chloe! Isn't that adorable? And you know, their beautiful romance would not be ruined if I didn't have to introduce the next load of crap I unfortunately have to call my student and Chloe's fiancee. I present to you guys, Batman!

That's what I literally just said, you stupid-ass! Stop trying to be the center of attention. Just because you save Gotham all the time and you're an esteemed hero there, does not mean you'll earn the same respect and honor from us here! Here, you are the same as all my other students, hence you will be TREATED the same! No special treatment! In fact, I might just treat you worse for that little antic you just let slip there without my permission! I mean, introducing yourself and cutting me off, REALLY! The nerve of some kids. The last kid who did that ended up as lunch for one of my deep-sea creatures. 

Ohhh, now you've got Lucifer mad! He's jealous because you have Chloe, and let me tell you, you're not making the right enemies here. Lucifer could just send you down to hell with the snap of his finger all because he wants Chloe to himself. Are you scared?

Don't point those DIRTY BLACK SAUSAGES AT ME! And stop lying, you know you're scared. I mean, an eternity in hell? Who wouldn't be? Well, not me, because I'm not the one who's being threatened here. Nobody ever threatens me, and the ones who do end up dead. Now, I would like to introduce the student who came all the way from the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic in France, Fleur Delacour!

Aw, look at how enthusiastic she is to be here, guys! Totally a newcomer, you can't see the pain or trauma in her eyes yet from this school. But you'll see, soon it'll have its place. It is with much dread that I must introduce our next student, Fleur's fiancee from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Cedric Diggory!

HEY, HEY! WHAT'S GOING OOOOON HEEEEERE?!!!!! THERE IS NO, I REPEAT NO CELEBRATING ANYTHING AT THIS SCHOOL WITHOUT MY SAY-SO! YOU DUMB IDIOT, YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO DETENTION AFTER THIS! Dumbass, really thought he could make himself known. I hate having to waste my voice on idiots who aren't worth it. Now, introducing our next student all the way from Peru is none other than the dashing Alexandro Querevalú!

Sorry about that, guys. He's not really much of a talker . . . or mover for that matter. He's really nervous, and as you can see he's staring off into the distance---wait, never mind. He's staring at Fleur's boobs. But never mind that! Moving on, the next new student is the very own Megan Nicole! She is a singer, you guys, and she's very nice and humble and sweet! I got that vibe from her when I kidnapped her and enrolled her here.

See? Look how happy she is! You guys are always going on about how kidnapping is such a huge deal and you shouldn't do it, oh please! You guys are just a bunch of wimps and sissies who can't take it instead of being like Megan here and actually trying to learn something from her captivating experience. Get it? Captivating! HAHAHAAAA! LAUGH YOU IDIOTS!

YES, I KNOW! I'M SO HILARIOUS AND PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?!

You're absolutely right, Cain. Now, I need to move on because I know we would all like to stay on me because of how amazing I am, but unfortunately, if we kept going on about all the incredible things about me, this class would never end, so we need to move on. Besides, I already wrote a book on that. So next student is the fiancee of Megan Nicole, Rubeus Hagrid! The keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts!

Oh, absolutely terrible. Nobody ever does well on their first day, especially not brainless oafs like you. And stop bothering Harry with your stupid questions. I'm going to move on to the next student who ACTUALLY matters, Sergio Ramos! The one and only defender from Real Madrid!

THAT'S RIGHT, SERGIO! YOU FLASH THAT AWESOME CONFIDENCE AND SHOW MY LAME STUDENTS HOW THEY'LL NEVER BE AS COOL AS YOU!

Megan, what's wrong with you? Why do you look so uncomfortable?

OH LOOK AT THAT, SERGIO WANTS YOU TO CALL HIM! AND HE BLEW A KISS, GIRL! YOU'RE OFFICIALLY IN THE GAME!

Oh stop whining, you stupid-ass large piece of crap! What did you think? That you could actually compete with someone as hot as Sergio? NO SIR! 

HAHAAAA, SERGIO IS LAUGHING AT YOUR MISERY! Good job, Sergio. That's the kind of dedication and ambition I want to see in a student. You should all learn from him, he's a great example.

EXCUSE ME, CAIN?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?! YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO SPEAK TO ME IN THAT MANNER, YOU TURD-LIKE IMBECILE! YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A MONTH'S DETENTION! I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT, AND YOU WERE BEING EXTREMELY RUDE! I AM A GOOD INFLUENCE!

You know, it's very sweet of you to apologize, but you're still earning yourself that detention for even speaking to me like that in the first place. No one gets away with that, no matter who you are! Except if you're Che, maybe. He's too hot for me to get mad at him. 

LINDA, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN IN A CHAIR! You've bought yourself detention with Cain, I hope you know. That's a month for you: half of the month for being so rude to us and ME especially, and the other half of the month for getting out of your chair without permission and trying to walk out of the classroom.

Look at Cain wishing you good luck, Linda! He obviously has a thing for you.

Stop acting so disgusted. You better warm up to him now, because you two are going to be spending an awful lot of time in detention together. Isn't that right, Cain? You're sure you like Linda, right? Because detention can become brutal.

Awwww, THAT'S SO SWEET!!!! Anyways, I am going to introduce our last two students before class is dismissed today. First, the beautiful and elegant Ginger Rogers!

And her wacky, idiotic fiancee Fred Astaire!

What the hell is wrong with you, you dump? The air-conditioning system in the school is perfectly satisfactory! Maybe you shouldn't have worn such a thick-ass layered outfit like that! Seriously, the knuckleheads in this school. I gotta go get me some food. 

IS THAT A CIGAR---wait, why am I getting mad? This is Che I'm talking about here, not some worthless student whose life means nothing. You can smoke all you like, I don't care about secondhand smoke that might affect my other students and give them lung cancer. They should stop being pussies and have strong lungs that can withstand that crap. Well anyways, THAT IS THAT AND WE ARE DONE HERE FOR TODAY! And remember you new kids, tread carefully in this school or you might wind up in trouble . . . or in my pool of disintegrating acid. There's no protective fence shielding it, and we've had incidents before. And remember you boys in my class who are interested in girls who are already taken, TAKE WHAT YOU CAN AND GIVE NOTHING BACK! Got it? GOOD! Teacher OUT!