Alright, is everyone here? Okay, you're not gonna believe this but there is an army of people coming to our school right now because I have created a certain class that involves them and I asked them to come and so they did.
Sorry, but no. I heard you guys talking and it's not the US Army at all. Get ready. . .it is. . .THE FIRE NAAAAAAAATIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU ALL FEEL?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY SHOCKED OUT OF YOUR MINDS??????????!!!!!!!!
Ugh. Oh no. Rapunzel looks like she's about to cry. Look at Flynn, being a good assistant and trying to comfort her. Listen, guys, don't copy Rapunzels' reaction. You may have heard a couple of rumors about the Fire Nation being an all-powerful, out-of-this-world, bloodthirsty, violent regime of fire bending warriors. But it's okaaaaay. They're totally NOT Like that. . .at least that's what they told me. But no worries, here they come now! And all led, by none other, than the notorious PRINCE ZUKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA-HOO-WA-HEE-HA-HO-HO-HO! HOO-HA!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! Look how NICE he looks, y'all. Trust me, he won't burn you to death unless you irritate him. Got it? Okay, I think we all got it. He just has a short fuse that's all.
Yes, I can see how absolutely SHOCKED you are. I know you must be scared of Prince Zuko, but it's okay, he won't hurt a FLY! Also, here is some other benders that will teach us the four elements that we ALL need to learn how to bend: Air, Water, Earth, Fire. Okay, other benders, FALL IN!
THERE THEY ARE! So everyone, let me just tell you, that I am SO excited to introduce the one and only Princess Yue and her fiancee's sister, Katara. They both know how to bend water. Also here is Katara's brother and disgusting fiancee of Yue called SOKKA. Ugh, here he comes, he makes me want to YAK my insides out!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!! CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGE!!!!!!!! Yeah don't look at ME Like I'M the piece of poop here, sonny! In FACT, in case you guys didn't know, I ship Yue and Zuko and there's nothing you poop dumps can do about it. I mean, the guy has been stalking her for like a WHILE now and she STILL hasn't said yes. Listen up, Yue, if you don't say yes I'm going to have to say yes FOR you and I will sign a contract saying that you are married to Zuko and you won't be able to run away from it! GOT IT?! Okay, I think she got it, she's crying, look.
HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
OH MY GOOOOOD! POETRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! I SHIP IT SO MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!!!!!!!! Yue, how can you NOT like him? HE'S A PEACH! I mean, LOOK at him. Look at this PIECE. Sorry for my language there, guys, it's just Zuko is such a HOT-ASS. Okay, anyway, continuing with introductions. I would introduce his Uncle Iroh who just came out of the closet and is looking for a young boy named Leonard and the rest of the Fire Nation but I'm just. too. FUCKING. LAZY! Anyways, this is Aang here, the AVATAR AKA THE LAST AIRBENDER!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M FREAKING OUT I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET HIIIIIIIM!!! HE'S THE ACTUAL AVATAR, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, peoples, sorry. Forgive me. Actually I can scream whenever I want so why do we need forgiveness here? We don't.
I KNOW. You must be flattered with all my compliments. This is so weird. I've never complimented someone more than I've complimented MYSELF. Well, at least you haven't beaten ZUKO, I will ALWAYS compliment his hotness more than YOU! HEAR THAT?! I hope Zuko didn't. Also, my Asian assistant has an announcement to make. What was that? You want to know why I suddenly have so many Asian-ass assistants? Well, I just so happen to have Asians as assistants and that's okay and I don't give 6 shits about nowadays 2020 shit about racism.
Okay, so basically, what my Asian-ass assistant has to say is---- HEY AANG! You know what? For a second there I was actually in awe of your presence but now I see how incredibly STUPID you are acting because you are making fun of my Asian-ass assistant as he is trying to make an announcement here. FUCK OFF! SLAM! Okay, I KNOW he's the Avatar but I HAD to hit him. He was getting on my NERVES! Anyway, so what my assistant said was that the Bending class will start teaching the Air element first, since that comes first in the cycle of elements. GOT IT?! We all got it. So, Katara will demonstrate how to Airbend and then you all fucking COPY her or get AN F AND A BEATING! Sorry, but SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD needs to be taken more seriously. Honestly, Katara, get ready to teach this class because they are the WORST! Anyway, so here she is. WATCH HER OR I WILL TAKE OUT THE WHIP!
Alright, she's like water-bending there, but you get the point. Basically the same movements except that you just have to focus your mind on the air and wind, not FUCKING WATER! Okay I think we all understand here even though some of us are trembling like HELL. Alright, so what I want everyone to do is start trying to mimic Katara's movements and then I'll pick out whoever is failing, beat them up, and have them do it again. I'll beat you guys every time you get it wrong, remember that.
OH MY LORD! Samantha and Robby have both NAILED IT! It's your first time and you've already done it right. KEEP IT UP! Wow, I can totally see the EFFECT my BEATINGS have had on people. See? Every time you expect a severe beating you do better. That's the best way to teach, am I right or am I right?
You're ABSOLUTELY right, Ovi. Thank you for contributing to my lecture that I hadn't even started yet. YOU READ MY MIND, HAH! So basically, to summarize what Ovi is saying here, if you do not have a balanced mind, soul, and heart when you are water bending or whatever bending you will fall into the river, but you will only drown if you do not have the persistence to get up and keep trying. See? Ovi is so smart but I'm smarter because I interpreted what he said and made sense out of it. SO, let me see who's failing, I feel like beating someone up today.
Because you stopped your Airbending just to complain with the assistant over there about how you didn't want to get beaten up by me, I am going to have to take measures. Now, where's the whip?
Oh never mind, my assistant already did it for me. Thank you, assistant! I was too lazy to do it myself. Now you learned your lesson, Rapunzel. Keep air bending and stop lying there like a lump!
I know it hurts, but I don't care. Thank you for helping her up, Flynn. See? He's always there for you, blondie. I don't understand why you're with OLAF of all people and not with FLYNN: the courageous, handsome hunk that is ALWAYS looking out for you. SO, I'm going to start calling out grades depending on what I'm seeing.
ALEX! F.
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING MY ASSISTANT LIKE THAT WITH HIM STRUGGLING THERE AND OFFENDING HIM BY REFERRING TO HIM AS A WOMAN?! Because of your hands-on assault to my assistant, I will give you THREE FS for NOT doing what you're supposed to and 10 more Fs for ASSAULT, 16 more Fs for the assault being on MY assistant, and a severe whipping for all of it put together! MIGUEL XOLO MARIDUENA DIAZ! COME HERE AFTER I GIVE OUT ALL THE GRADES AND YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO SET AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO DO NOT DO WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO AND CAUSE MAYHEM AND PAIN TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY ASSISTANTS THAT ARE MY PROPERTY! Okay, I'm fine now. Let me keep grading. Remember, everyone! BEATINGS after this! And yes, you're going to have to get used to it, it's a new thing now.
Eeeeh. It's fine, but not good enough. C, for satisfactory. Don't worry, you're only getting a mild beating, not like the one Miguel is receiving.
JOHNNY LAWRENCE! THAT. THAT right there what you're doing right there absolutely does NOT look like what Katara demonstrated and most certainly is NOT Air bending and because it looks like Karate to me, I'm giving you a D for at least TRYING but failing miserably. You can expect a healthy beating after this.
Thank you a lot for just PROVING to me that you are worth 10 beatings, Olaf. Because you were break dancing on the spot and not mimicking Katara's Air bending movements, you will suffer a harsh punishment after this consisting of whips and punches and kicks. You know what? Honestly, I don't know what to think of this class. After all, I'm just trying to do my JOB, and LOOK how they're treating me. Receiving Fs and Ds all around. I think I might need a sundae soon after this. Alright, let's check out Janhvi. Let's try to be optimistic and not let this be a hopeless case. Janhvi, show me what you got!
WHAT THE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F, F, F, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE BRING ME AN APPLE. BROWN. BETTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must curb my hunger pangs. I'M FAMISHED BECAUSE OF HOW INCREDIBLY ANGRY I AM! HOW COULD YOU ALL DO THIS TO ME?! HOW COULD YOU ALL FAIL THIS INCREDIBLY EASY CLASS?! ASSISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!! APPLE BROWN BETTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! RIGHT THIS SECOOOOOOOOOND!!! OR YOU'RE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHOMP, CHOMP, MUNCH, CHEW, GOBBLE, GULP, SWALLOW! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh that was SO-BURP! Good! Okay, so, here are the grades just so we all have an idea of who's getting beaten up and who's not:
Samantha - A+
Ovi - A+
Hammy - F
Flynn - A
Olaf - F
Rapunzel - F
Daniel - C
Janhvi - F
Bertram - F
Johnny - D
Alex - F
Rat - F
Chris - B
Akhmenrah - A+
Miguel El Dorado - B
Miguel Diaz - 0
Victoria - C+
Dre Parker - F-
Moon - B+
Demetri - A+
Howie - D+
Alright, so, Samantha, Ovi, Flynn, Akhmenrah, and Demetri all passed. The rest of you, however, are in for the beating of a LIFETIME! Get your butts over here, it's time you all learned a little lesson for fooling around.
\COME HERE, I'M TRYING TO WHIP YOU! UGH, HE'S AVOIDING MY BOMBS THAT I'M SENDING AFTER HIM! ASSISTAAANT, GET ME MORE GRENADES!
Yes I know you're scared it's going to hurt, but still, you have to pay for failing in my class. It was the very first class of Bending and you FLUNKED it! How are you going to explain THAT? With a beating, of course. What else?
Oh yeah, by the way, I know you and Johnny are still recovering from last class when I punched you guys but I don't care. I ordered Kreese and my other assistant Mr. Miyagi to gang up on you, Daniel, and beat you up for failing the Air bending test. Sorry, it's school. Get used to it because you won't be leaving any time soon. PUNCH! Oh look, Kreese already smashed Daniel's face. SORRY, DANIEL! Actually, why am I saying sorry? Fuck THAT. NEXT! Everybody line up in an orderly fashion so you can each take your turn and get punched for failure.
Are you okay, Rapunzel? Ugh, why am I asking you if you're okay? You DESERVE to get beaten. She looks so sad, am I right? But it IS your turn, you know? To get PUNCHED? That's probably why you look so sad, but it's FINE. It's just one, little, measly punch. Don't worry too much about it. This will teach you to avoid failure in any of my classes in the future. Just remember that. KREESE! Show her what it means to FAIL in this class! PUNCH! Oh damn, Kreese sent her FLYIN', man!
There she is. Unconscious. FLYNN, DON'T RUN TOWARDS HER! You're DEFEATING the purpose, man! She's SUPPOSED to feel the pain that no one is there to pick her up when she's down so she learns to pick HERSELF up by getting better grades in my class so she doesn't get beat UP! Seriously, it's not rocket science. THIS is why SHOW YOUR FOOT TO THE WORLD is the number 1 school in the WORLD! Yes, I just said the word 'world'. That's because it's true. Because people get beat up so much here, it motivates to not fail because they don't want to get hurt and so in turn they get perfect grades like I want them to. Forget all that shit about no stress and calm nerves, I WANT you to be stressed and terrified that I will come into your room any second to beat you up. Okay, now that everyone has had their share of getting beat up by my assistants, now we can all conclude this class with Prince ZUKO!
I KNOW, RIGHT?! Zuko speaks for all of us. This class was awesome and everyone deserved what they got.
Oh, OH! Someone is looking at YUUUEEEE! And she can't do FUCKIN NOTHING about it! Yuuuuee! Zuko is staring at you!
THAT'S RIIIIIGHT! SUCK IT! Zuko and Yue sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Zuko with a baby carriage! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I SHIP IIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!
I think she likes him too! And don't come crying to me, Fuglokka, you knew she was going to dump you sooner or later, you're BUTT-UGLY! OKAY CLASS OVER!
No comments:
Post a Comment